Goku's Firsts
by Languish-Dreams
Summary: A series of one shots about Goku's experiences on Heaven and Earth the first time around. Some fluff, some humor, still NO pairings.
1. First Bath

A/N: Welcome (back) to Goku's Firsts. :D For those who didn't catch it the first time, this is a compilation of my one-shots about Goku's experiences the first time they happen. First bath, first book, first drink, etc. They alternate between Goku's life on Earth and his life five hundred years ago in Heaven. I was bouncing back and forth pretty regularly for awhile, but eventually it just became whatever. (L) Currently, there are seventeen of these puppies set back.Not all of them will make it back to the re-post (possibly). I'm still editing them one by one. If you'd like to suggest a first to be written, you can find a link to the ffn author's message board and my section in my profile. Start a thread and get to talking:D

Every chapter is independent and Goku's age will vary in each. I try to give a good idea of where in the series/how old he is, but if it's not clear, feel free to ask. :D With that done, I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki. I just like to play around...

EDITED: 08/19/05 for spelling mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out guys!

Chapter 1: First Bath

It had been a week now since Kanzeon "The Merciful Goddess" had so eloquently shoved Goku into Konzen's loving and capable hands and the blond God was spitting nails. Thankfully it was in a figurative way, but few who saw the deity marching down the hallway in search of his new 'pet' doubted it would take much more for that to change. Apparently, the little monkey had somehow managed to create the worlds largest mud pit; right in the middle of Konzen's floor. And just as magically as this mud had appeared in the short time the blond had left the child alone, so too had the boy magically disappeared. It wasn't like it was hard to track the little imp down, all Konzen had to do was follow the long winding trail of muddy footprints down the hall. Which is the exact thing he was doing at this moment while smoke seemed to pour from his head.

"I'm going to murder that damn monkey," he mumbled, his violet eyes scanning each way for any sign of Goku.

"Not if I get him first."

Konzen stopped and turned to an amusing sight. The easy-going General Kenren was walking towards him looking almost as furious as the blond deity himself did. Quite a feat considering the redhead was covered with a large helping of fresh mud.

Konzen raised an eyebrow. "I take it you saw the little chimp."

"You could say I saw him." Kenren said through his cigarette. "But saying he tackled me into a hug then ran off giggling about needing more mud would be more accurate."

The blond snorted. Good. Now he knew where to find the little brat. Without another word he turned and stomped his way back towards his room. Kenren followed, pissed, but amused nonetheless at Goku's antics. He whistled once his saw the muddy devastation the boy had already caused.

"Wow. Kid doesn't mess around when he plays."

A familiar chuckle echoed out just then and Kenren turned to see Field Marshal Tenpou gazing down at the mess from inside the room.

"Somehow I doubt Goku does anything second-rate." Tenpou grinned. "Especially when it's something he doesn't know he shouldn't do."

Konzen snorted again. "It doesn't really matter now, does it? I'm going to kill the little brat!"

"Now, now Konzen. You can't really blame Goku. It's not like he knows any better." Tenpou admonished.

Both men sighed as something like 'he will when I get done with him' was muttered by the blond.

A sudden clanking sound caused all three Gods to turn towards the door as a giant pile of mud with arms and legs started to wobble its way through. The arms slowly opened and the pile fell to the floor with a resounding splat sound. Even with the mud heap now on the floor, there wasn't a whole lot of difference in the look of the creature before them. The only visible part of Goku that truly defined that it was the young itan was the large pair of gold eyes looking down at the mud as if appraising his work.

"Need more…" the boy said and turned to race outside.

A sudden choking pull on his shirt brought the boy to the floor and he found himself staring up into very angry violet eyes.

Goku smiled. "Hello Konzen!"

The blond attempted to control himself, but the vein on his head only continued to grow at the innocence before him. A second later his fist connected with the monkey's head.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Idiot monkey! What the hell do you mean by covering my office with this filth?"

Goku sat up, looking a bit confused. "But I need mud to plant the flowers in!"

Kenren tried to contain his laughter. "F-flowers?"

Goku nodded and grinned. "The nice lady near the lily pads said I shouldn't just pick flowers for Konzen, I should plant them for him, that way they'd last a long time! She said I'd need lots of dirt and water for them."

Tenpou was now trying feverishly to contain himself despite his blond friend's death glare. "As good of an idea as that is, Goku, you would normally plant flowers outside so the sun can shine on them."

Goku looked confused again. "But why outside when Konzen would be right here to shine on them?"

The three Gods were at a loss for words and despite himself, Konzen could feel the anger slowly ebbing away.

"Idiot. You're absolutely filthy. Time for a bath."

"Bath? What's a bath?"

The blond God rolled his eyes and sighed. "Come on, monkey. You're about to find out."

As they started to leave the two remaining Gods, unable to control themselves any longer, burst into hysterical fits of laughter.

"And you!" Konzen pointed to Tenpou as he turned around. "Are going to help me while you," he pointed to Kenren. "Clean up this mess."

Both men stopped laughing and stared for a second. The redheaded general started to open his mouth to protest, but possibly the most deadly look he'd ever seen shut him up. Tenpou grinned and left to join Konzen in his task.

Goku stood staring down the blue pool of water in wonder; he could see his reflection in the mirror-like surface and he wondered if he always looked so brown.

"Get in."

"Don't you think it would be better to take his clothes off first Konzen?"

The blond deity turned to look at Tenpou. "Be my guest."

Tenpou looked the boy over; mud plastered over every square inch of the child's body and shook his head. "Like Konzen said, get in Goku."

Goku looked down at the still water again, not really wanting to get wet and not understanding that he, in a way, already was. A foot connected with his butt then and Goku toppled head first into the waiting water. He came up spitting.

"Konzen!"

"I told you to get in monkey." The blond threw a bar of soap at him. "Wash up."

Goku looked at the bar of soap curiously before sniffing it and, finding it smelled pretty good, promptly stuck the bar into his mouth.

"IDIOT!" Konzen roared, smacking the boy across the back of the head.

Goku managed to spit the soap onto the floor and Tenpou, who had been stepping forward to get the bar from Goku's mouth, now found himself launched into the air and directly into the bath with the young boy. When he poked his head out of the water it was to Goku's grinning face.

"Are you going to take a bath too Tenpii?"

The brunet God took of his glasses and attempted to shake some of the water off. "I guess I am Goku." He said with an amused chuckle.

With most of the water ejected, Tenpou could only imagine as to which direction it had all gone. He got his answer when he looked up to find a sopping wet and extremely pissed off Konzen clenching his fist at his side.

"Oh dear."

The next few moments have been censored in ordered to maintain a T rating.

After climbing out of the tub and filling the bath back up, Tenpou tried to explain to Goku the purpose of soap. Konzen, afraid the monkey would only try to eat it again, decided the best thing to do, would simply be for the two Gods to wash Goku themselves. After discarding the boy's now mostly mud free clothes, they immediately set about the task of scrubbing and rinsing away every last speck of mud. Goku, innocent thing that he is, was extremely embarrassed at his now naked form and was desperately trying to keep himself hidden.

"Damn it, I said stand up!"

"But Konzen…"

"No buts monkey, stand up so we can get this over with!"

"But Konzen I'm _naked_!"

Tenpou covered his mouth with his hand and Konzen tried to fight the blush rinsing to his face at this statement. The blond God handed Goku the bar of soap and a washcloth.

"Then finish up yourself. And don't eat it!"

Goku took the bar and cloth then sat staring at the two deities before him.

"What's the matter Goku?"

The boy stared at Tenpou as if the problem was obvious.

"You're still looking!"

Tenpou grinned. "My apologies." He turned his back and looked to Konzen.

The blond rolled his eyes and did likewise. After a few minutes of splashing and scrubbing they finally heard Goku's okay to turn around.

"Oh my…."

"Holy shit."

Having discovered the wonderful world of suds caused by the soap, Goku had taken the opportunity to decorate his body with the foamy suds. A large pile was currently threatening to slide down his head and some of it had already dripped onto the boy's face, creating a unique looking mustache under his nose. Most of the suds, however, were not on Goku, but rather, everywhere else in the room. There seemed to be a mass amount slowly sliding down the walls and hanging from the ceiling.

Tenpou looked over at his friend who was still staring at the mess created.

"How does he do that?" he asked, pointing to the carnage that was the bathhouse.

Konzen shook his head. "I have no idea."

After dousing the boy off with clean water, and despite his protest of a burning in his eyes, Konzen grabbed a towel and forced the child out of the tub. It was then he heard a snicker and turned to see Tenpou turning red from keeping his laughter at bay.

"What now?" he snarled out.

"Y-your back…." That was all the brunet managed to choke out before succumbing to his fits.

Konzen managed to turn his head around enough to see a large white pile of suds clinging to his shoulder blade. It didn't take much imagination to envision what the rest of his back looked like. He snorted though as Tenpou turned to reveal his own back, equally lathered down with suds.

"You're one to talk, _Tenpii_."

Realizing his own decoration only made the Field Marshal laugh harder, and it was all Konzen could do not to start laughing himself. A sudden sniffling caught his attention though and he turned to see a towel draped Goku rubbing his eyes furiously.

"Konzen…" the boy sniffled out. "My eyes still hurt…"

The blond sighed and, grabbing a handful of clean water, proceeded to wipe the liquid across Goku's red eyes. After a few moments he gently dabbed them with a dry cloth and watched the boy blink a few times.

"Better?"

Goku's face beamed with a large smile. "Much. Thank you Konzen!"

The child wrapped his arms affectionately around his keeper and gave him a large wet hug before happily skipping off back to their room. Konzen sat there for a second until Tenpou, having finally recovered, came up and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"As first baths go, it could have been worse."

Konzen glanced around at the bathhouse. Masses of suds still clung stubbornly to the wall and ceiling except for what hadn't already plopped down to the floor. Water was literally everywhere and the tub itself was now a large pool of liquid mud. Both men were exhausted, wet, covered in suds, and Konzen imagined Tenpou was hurting from his slip and fall into the tub.

He smirked. "I guess so. Besides, Kenren will have to clean this up, too, in order to take a bath of his own."

Meanwhile, a very tired Kenren, who had just finished removing the last trace of mud from Konzen's office, sneezed.

(-end First Bath-)

A/N: So there's Goku's First first. :D I use a very loose writing style, as I do for all my humor pieces. But I do hope I managed to get rid of all the annoying little grammar and spelling mistakes. I hope you enjoyed, but even if you didn't please review. I don't balk at constructive criticism so long as you are at least somewhat polite. Open flames - well I have fun with those. ;)

Please let me know what you think! Until next time, Ja!


	2. First Grooming

A/N: Thanks for pointing out the spelling and grammar mistakes, guys. :D I've re-uploaded the chapter to correct them and made sure I didn't make the 'blonde' mistake again. Now, onward! Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 2: First Grooming

It had been a week now since Sanzo had reluctantly drug the loud and obnoxious Goku down from his mountain prison and to Chang 'An, and the monk was spitting nails. Literally. Having chain-smoked his way through his last carton of cigarettes in record time, Sanzo had resorted to chewing carpet nails in an effort to release his tension while he waited for the anonymous monk he'd sent to town to return with his smokes. It wasn't helping. In a mere seven days the monkey had turned the entire temple upside down; not to mention broken three statues, muddied the floors everyday, eaten every drop of food (and few things that weren't suppose to BE edible), painted on six different walls in an effort to 'brighten the place up', drawn happy faces on four monks' bald heads while they slept, eaten every peach from the Merciful Goddess' offering tree (though Sanzo wasn't TOO upset by that), accidentally set two monks' robes on fire, and on three separate occasions gotten incense sticks stuck up his nose. Needless to say Sanzo had seen better weeks.

It had gotten to the point where the blond monk could tell the difference in an apprentice knocking to ask a question and an apprentice knocking to rat the boy out. At the moment, the resounding knock of 'that filthy child has done something wrong again' was echoing through his room. Sanzo groaned to himself. He really needed a smoke right now.

"Come in, damn it, and tell me what the brat did now."

A sheepish monk (one of the four lucky recipients of the 'happy face') slowly entered the room and bowed low before Sanzo.

"Lord Sanzo." He started curtly. "The other monks and I were wondering if perhaps you would allow us to…um…"

The blond narrowed his eyes. "Allow you to what?"

He could see the sweat rolling down baldie's happy head and the monk didn't really seem like he was asking for something he wanted to do.

"If you would allow us to…groom the…child you brought back."

Sanzo was stunned silent for a few minutes. No wonder happy boy didn't seem like he wanted to ask. Who would want to try to tame that monkey long enough to groom him?

"What exactly did you have in mind?"

Happy Baldie Boy paused. "Er, the child could most definitely use a hair-cut, Lord Sanzo. Not to mention his toenails and fingernails trimmed. Perhaps a lobotomy…."

The happy-face monk trailed off this last comment and, though Sanzo did hear it, he decided to let it go this time. Hell, at this point he was ready to agree with him but Sanzo doubted any amount of brain surgery would help Goku.

"Ch. Fine. Do whatever you want."

Happy Boy bowed low, giving his –reluctant- thanks to the high priest before leaving the room. Sanzo stared at the door for a moment.

"Hope you don't think I'm going to chant at your funeral."

After finally receiving his cigarettes (as it turns out, from Happy Baldie Monk #2) and gaining nearly two hours of peace and quiet, Sanzo couldn't help but be curious as to how the 'grooming squad' was doing with Goku. More than likely the monks had spent the last two hours simply trying to find the boy and it would be several more before they would actually get done with their self-appointed task.

Fate, (played by Vanna White) spun the wheel of destiny at this moment and unfortunately landed on 'holy shit'.

This was the very curse mumbled by Sanzo seconds before an airborne mass of monkey meat slammed into him and toppled them both from the chair and onto the floor. The monk was already reaching for his trusty fan when Goku grabbed his shirt, eyes full of tears, and began wailing at the top of his lungs.

"SAVEMESANZOTHEMONKSARETRYINGTOKILLMETHEYWANNACUTOFFMYFINGERSANDMYHEADANDIDONTWANNADIEEEEEEEE!"

Sanzo put his hands over his ears in a vain attempt to save his throbbing eardrums before proceeding to whack the frightened Goku half to death.

"YOU IDIOT! TALK LIKE A NORMAL DAMN PERSON OR SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Goku drew in several deep breaths and tried again. "The monks want to cut off my fingers and my head! I don't want to die Sanzo, please, please, please don't let them do ittttttttt!"

THWACK

"Moron. Get off me."

Instead of waiting for the boy to do as told, Sanzo pushed the child off and stood up. He lit another cigarette hoping to fight off the migraine now starting up behind his eyes. Looking down, he found Goku still sitting where he'd landed, rubbing his red eyes and sniffling quietly.

"Ch. Idiot. They're not trying to kill you."

Goku looked up at his sun, still rubbing one eye and sniffling pathetically. "They…they're not?"

Sanzo rolled his eyes, picked Goku and his chair up, and sat the distraught monkey in it.

"They want to cut your _hair_ and your _fingernails_, Goku."

"Oh." The boy said after a moment. "Why?"

Sanzo looked down at the wild mane of brown hair spilling past Goku's shoulders and the jagged claws he had for nails.

"I can't begin to imagine."

Goku was a bit puzzled at this statement and was about to further question his keeper when two monks (Hey it's Happy Baldies #1 and 2!) scurried into the room looking sweaty and out of breathe.

"We're so sorry, Lord Sanzo." They said in unison, bowing low and revealing their happy face heads.

Despite his reassurances, Sanzo could see the boy quivering at the sight of the monks from the corner of his eye. He sighed.

"Never send a monk to do a Sanzo's job." He mumbled.

"Pardon?" Baldie #1 spoke.

"Ch. Go back to your studies and chants. I'll take care of the brat."

Both monks looked incredibly relieved, as if Sanzo had just granted them eternal life, and bowed profusely before leaving the room. The blond sighed again and turned to Goku, who was happily spinning the in chair now that the threat was gone.

"Go take a bath."

"But Sanzo…"

"NO BUTS! Go take a bath and then come straight back here. And do not come back until every speck of dirt and filth has been washed from your body _and_ your hair and you're DRY, got it?"

Seeing the obvious murderous intent flashing in those violet eyes, Goku quickly scurried off to obey. By the time the boy had returned, Sanzo had neatly laid out every tool he could possibly imagine he'd need. He felt his eye twitching as his gaze fell upon the boy. Goku was washed and squeaky clean and dry, just as Sanzo had commanded. But unfortunately the little monkey was also butt naked. The blond monk pinched the bridge of his nose and felt the migraine swimming back full force.

THWACK. THWACK. THWACK.

"PUT ON SOME CLOTHES YOU DAMN WILD IDIOT MONKEY!"

Once the boy returned, dressed in his pajamas this time, Sanzo motioned for him to sit on the stool he'd brought out. Goku obeyed, though he nervously glanced at the spread of unusual items laid out across Sanzo's desktop. The monk grabbed the nail clippers and pulled his chair around to rest in front of the curious boy. He sat down and picked up Goku's hand, fully intent on ridding the fingers of the offending claws. Goku, however, still remembering the monks' threatening words, immediately pulled his hand back and widened his golden eyes at Sanzo.

Sanzo sighed. "I'm not going to cut your fingers off, stupid. I'm just going to clip your fingernails."

Still not convinced, Goku crossed his arms and hid both his hands under his armpits. Deciding that showing would be easier than trying to explain, Sanzo held up his hand for the boy to see and proceeded to clip one nail off. Alarmed, Goku moved to stop the monk but watched in fascination as the nail flew off and landed on the floor. He immediately grabbed Sanzo's hand and began searching for an injury.

Amused, Sanzo let the boy inspect his hand for a moment before pulling it away.

"See? Doesn't hurt at all. Now give me your hand."

Goku hesitantly obeyed, but was soon awed by the sight of each of his nails flying across the floor and the lack of pain or blood involved. Once the claws on his hands had been reduced to their proper length Sanzo scooted back, gently picked up one of Goku's feet, and placed it in his lap. The monk examined the toenails for a moment before he sighed.

"What's wrong, Sanzo?"

"I think I'm going to need bolt cutters for these."

Goku's eyes widened. He wasn't sure what 'bolt cutters' were, but it didn't sound like a good thing. Realizing the puny nail clippers would have no effect on Goku's grotesquely overgrown and thick toenails, Sanzo stood up and retrieved a large pair of scissors from the desk. He returned and picked up the boy's foot again; Sanzo placed the blades between one big toe nail and clipped with all his strength.

_SNAP_

Sanzo stared down in awe at the broken scissors in his hand.

"Holy shit. I think I really am going to need bolt cutters."

It took nearly an hour of shuffling through the temple before Sanzo was able to find a pair of diamond cutter scissors. Fortunately, those did work, though no one could quite explain how they came to be so dull afterwards. Sanzo breathed out in relief as the first task was finally done. To think he, Genjo Sanzo, had been reduced to grooming some wild dirty monkey…

But, on to the haircut.

Again, though, Goku adamantly refused to allow Sanzo to 'chop off his head'. And once again the monk decided to show instead of tell.

Fate (still played by Vanna) spun the wheel again and this time it landed on '!$#'.

Which was again what Sanzo issued forth as he slipped and accidentally lobbed off a rather large chunk of blond hair. Upon hearing this utterance and seeing the pained looked on his keeper's face, Goku became even more adamant about refusing to let the dreaded blades near his head.

Once again the censors step in, due to violence and graphic language, in an attempt to maintain the set T rating.

By the time Sanzo was able to convince Goku to endure the haircut, both were utterly exhausted. However, the blond was not about to let the opportunity slip him by and immediately set about the task of shortening the monkey's hair. Though it retained its ruffled appearance no matter how Sanzo tried, he finally gave up deciding the shorter length, at least, was an improvement.

"Hey, Goku. Get up and go to bed. We're finally done."

Hearing no response from the boy, Sanzo walked around to look at the quiet child. He found Goku sitting up straight (as Sanzo had literally beaten that into him by then) and fast asleep. Sanzo sighed for the millionth time that day and an amused smile danced across his lips. After an entire week of torture, he didn't imagine he'd ever see the day something would wear Goku out. Sanzo lightly picked the sleeping boy up and was again amused when Goku automatically wrapped his small arms around the monk's neck.

"Sanzo…" Goku buried his face into Sanzo's neck trying to embrace the warmth he knew was there.

He tried to squash the fuzzy feeling rising in him at the boy's simple gesture but soon found that, at least for now, it was nearly impossible to do so. Sanzo wearily headed towards his bed and lay down with the sleeping brunet still curled up in his arms. He pulled the blankets over them both and felt his eyelids already drooping with exhaustion.

'Just for tonight, monkey.' His tired mind thought before drifting off to sleep. 'Just for tonight.'

(-end First Grooming-)

A/N: Thanks for the warm welcome back for this story everyone! Just to note that while there might be fluffy moments, none of them are meant to show a relationship or potential relationship between Sanzo/Goku or any of the other characters. While I do like a good 39 fic, I present Sanzo and Goku's relationship here as more of a father/son thing. :D But feel free to see it otherwise. (L) If you see any mistakes, don't be afraid to point them out. I don't have the best grammatical skills in the world, but I do like to improve. If there's a ton of them (which wouldn't surprise me, quite frankly) it might be better to jump in my profile and go to the link there. You can start a thread about Goku's Firsts and point them out. Anyway, please let me know what you think! Til next time, Ja!

**Madame Maya**: Aw, sankyuu! (hugs) I pretty much got them all back, thanks to some wonderful readers. :D  
**doublelynn**: Well, since they just need to be edited, updates should be faster than when I first put them up. (L) So there should be quite a few, if not all, of them up by October. :D  
**unheard screams**: After we e-mailed, I kept looking and keep coming up with the same kind of things about sneezing. So I dunno there. (L)  
**Ahja Reyn**: A Saiyuki fan too? My kinda gal! heheh.  
**space-cadet6**: It's been so long, I'm surprised a lot of people even remember these things. (L)  
**Braeca**: Aw, thank you. :D It will probably be a long time before the Insomnia Trilogy is put back up. As for Of a Place Long Ago...well, that's going through a MAJOR overhaul. (L)  
**jarmets**: (L) No, not yet. I need to get back into writing for these, but we'll see. ;D  
**Koryu-Sanzo**: Ahhh, fresh fan meat. (LOL) :D  
**Kimra Dattei**: Well, on the first one: It's an anime thing. (L) On the second: That's from a later story in Goku's Firsts, actually. It's from one of the drabbles. :D So you'll get to see it eventually. heheh  
**midnight silver kitsune**: That's all right, but thanks! I'm not about to lose my stuff twice. (L) I've taken extra precautions against that. :D  
**Zili**: Well then, here's another!  
**muckraker**: Ahh, thank you! I've fixed it. :D  
**Chicken Nuggets**: (I love that name, makes me hungry) (L) That ended up being one of my favorite lines, too. hehe :D  
**Wolfstone**: Since I did brunet right, you'd think I'd have seen that, wouldn't you? (L) But then, I had to have brunet as opposed to brunette pointed out to me too. heheh Thank you! I've fixed it and I make sure to fix it in future chapters. :D


	3. First BooBoo

A/N: Sorry again for the delay. Life is being a bitch. (L) Enjoy!

Chapter 3: First Boo-boo

Konzen was quietly sitting at his desk, shuffling through a large stack of papers that needed to be signed. He quickly wrote his name and placed the paper on a smaller stack to which he'd already done the same thing. The blond was trying, vainly it might be added, to keep his growing anger down. He flicked his eyes to the side quickly before returning to the document he was reading. Still there, still watching. Sign, set down, and flick to the side. Sign, set down, and flick to the side. Still there, still watching. After a few more minutes of this, with his anger steadily increasing, Konzen could take it no more.

"I SAID NO, DAMMIT, AND THAT'S THE END OF IT!"

Konzen felt more than saw, as he refused to look again into those enigmatic golden eyes, tears beginning to well up. The blond finally turned his gaze upon Goku and sighed. The boy's eyes were filled with tears, though they stubbornly refused to fall and something between hope and despair reflected up towards his master.

"Do I look like I have 'pout and I'll give in to your every wish' written on my forehead?"

Goku blinked and cocked his head to one side. "No. But it wouldn't fit anyway."

Konzen stared down at the boy, suppressing with all his might the grin that wanted to fall on his lips at such an innocent statement.

"The answer is still no."

"But Konzen-"

"I SAID NO AND I MEAN NO AND THAT'S THE END OF IT!"

The deity shoved a handful of blank paper and a pen towards the child next to him.

"Go draw or something and leave me the hell alone."

Still pouting, Goku took the offered items and retreated to the floor to draw. After nearly an hour of blissful silence, Konzen was surprised to find he was signing the last of his paperwork. Thankful, the God threw his pen down and stretched his body out. A week's worth of backlogged paperwork had finally been caught up. He realized then that he hadn't heard so much as a shuffle from the floor where Goku was suppose to be drawing. Curious, though suspecting more the monkey had somehow managed to sneak out, Konzen stood up and leaned over the desk to see what the boy was doing. Goku was still there, pen in hand, staring down at the blank sheets of paper spread out before him. Surprised, Konzen walked around the desk and squatted down beside the child.

"What? Can't think of anything to draw?"

"No." Goku sighed out and, for the first time, Konzen could clearly see the gloomy expression plastered on the boy's face.

Damn. He hated seeing that look - more so when he was the cause of it. The blond sighed.

"All right we'll go. But if you cause one bit of troub-"

"YEAAHHHHHHHH!"

Konzen sighed again as he stood up and watched the now enthusiastic Goku bounce around the room. He could practically see a tail wagging in excitement behind the little monkey.

"WE'RE GOING TO EARRRTH…WE'RE GOING TO EARRRTH…"

Goku was singing the words and dancing through the room in absolute bliss at Konzen's statement. The blond God pinched the bridge of his nose. Dear Lord what had he gotten himself into this time? And how did this lunacy start anyway? Oh yes, he remembered now - Tenpou and his damn books on Earth. Konzen made a mental note to beat the crap out of the idea-giving Field Marshal later. Right now, unfortunately, he was forced to deal with an overly excited Goku literally jumping off the walls in anticipation of the trip to Earth. Konzen finally brought his clenched fist to rest on the idiot monkey's head.

"OW!"

"If you don't shut the hell up we're not going, got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

"Now come on, monkey. The sooner we leave the sooner we can get this stupidity over with."

Konzen held out his hand and Goku immediately latched on. After reminding the boy not to let go, the pair slowly disappeared from heaven and materialized a few seconds later on Earth. They stood there for a few minutes, taking in the surrounding forest and lake they had arrived in front of, before Konzen realized he was still holding Goku's hand.

"You can let go now." He said gruffly.

Goku nodded, his eyes wide and searching across the landscape, but didn't let go. After a few more minutes of this the blond finally shook his hand free.

"Go on. You wanted to come down here and explore, so go do it already."

The boy grinned up at his guardian and then gleefully skipped off to explore. Konzen felt himself filled with pity at any animals that might cross the curious boy's path on this outing. He just prayed there weren't any skunks around.

"My, fancy running into you down here, Konzen."

Konzen turned to see a grinning Tenpou walking towards him from the between the trees.

"What the hell are you doing down here?"

"I would ask the same of you but I believe I already know the answer to that." The brunet smiled.

"I believe you do and I'll be 'thanking' you later for it." Konzen ground out.

Tenpou sweat dropped. The blond God's version of 'thanking' someone was borderline murder. He knew the ramifications of telling Goku about Earth and the Field Marshal silently contemplated his sadomasochistic nature. Maybe he could weasel his way out of his 'thanking' somehow.

"So where's Goku? Run off to explore I'd imagine."

Konzen nodded, never taking his eyes from his brown-haired friend. Indeed, at the moment, Tenpou believed he could literally see fire and brimstone churning in those violet eyes. Weaseling out of this wasn't looking like a possibility.

"After talking to Goku I decided to come down and do a little exploring myself."

Oh boy. If anything Konzen's eyes narrowed more and Tenpou sweated under the glare. Konzen wasn't just pissed off now; the God was seething with anger and the Field Marshall was astounded the plants around them hadn't started to wither.

"Tenpii!"

The brunet sighed in relief. A few more minutes of Konzen boring a hole into him and he believed he would have been set on fire.

Goku scrambled up to his friend and thrust a small wriggling mass into Tenpou's face.

"What's this?"

Tenpou chuckled. "That's a frog Goku. And I believe you're holding the poor thing a little too tightly…"

Poor little frog. Its little froggy eye-balls were almost completely bugging out of its' head in the earth spirit's strong grip. Goku relaxed his hold and the frog, seizing the opportunity to run for its life, quickly scrambled from the boy's hands and hopped away as fast as its little froggy legs could handle. Goku squeaked and immediately began to give chase to the newly discovered animal. In the process, his foot caught on an exposed tree root and Goku pitched forward and hit the ground sliding.

Tenpou immediately rushed forward. "Goku? Are you okay?"

Konzen furrowed up his brow and bit back the instinct to do likewise.

"Owwwww." Goku rolled over and sat up, tears already running down his dirty cheeks. "That really hurt…" He sniffled out.

Looking down at his throbbing leg, the golden-eyed boy gasped; his entire right leg was one large bloody pulp from skidding across the ground, with dirt and grass bits mingled in.

Tenpou bent down in front of the boy and examined his bloody leg. "That's one heck of a boo-boo, Goku." He bit back a grin at his unintentional rhyme.

Goku, sobbing hysterically now, asked something that sounded, in crying child speak, like 'what's a boo-boo?' Tenpou, thoroughly versed in crying child speak by now, fought back a laugh and answered.

"A boo-boo is what you get when you hurt yourself. Like the large abrasion on your leg."

Again Goku spoke, still crying, and asked something like 'what's an abrasion?'

Konzen sighed. If Tenpou kept talking the question and answer session could go on all day. He quickly walked over and took the crying child's hand.

"Let's go back home and get you cleaned up, all right?"

Still crying, Goku only nodded. Konzen set his fiery violet eyes on his 'friend' again and muttered something incoherent (and censored for the rating) under his breath. A few moments later and they were back in Konzen's office; Goku was sitting, only sniffling now, in Konzen chair while the blond God dug around for the first-aid kit. He'd picked one up after he'd acquired the little monkey and was surprised this was the first time he'd actually had to use it.

After filling a bowl with water and grabbing a washcloth, Konzen pulled a stool up to the teary-eyed boy and sighed.

"I have to clean your leg up now. It's going to hurt but if you pull away or start crying more I'm going to make sure the rest of you hurts just as bad, got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

After a few minutes of lightly washing the dirt and grass bits plus a rock from Goku's wound, Konzen picked up the bottle of alcohol and winched. The boy had been pretty good so far, only flinching and biting his lip at the pain. But pouring this on…Konzen prepared himself before dousing Goku's leg with the clear liquid.

It took a few seconds for the intense burning pain to register. But once it did…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Fortunately, Konzen was already holding his ears.

"ITBURNSKONZENITREALLYHURTSMAKEITSTOOOOPPPPP!"

Since Konzen was now well-versed in 'screaming monkey' he didn't have the need to shut the boy up and have him explain himself.

"I KNOW it hurts, shut the hell up!"

Most unfortunately, Konzen did have to apply more of the fiery liquid and another bout of screaming immediately followed. So, doing the only thing he could think of, the blond God leaned forward and began to gently blow on Goku's leg.

The screaming instantly stopped.

Konzen looked up to see Goku looking down at him with wide, wondering eyes. Assured after a few minutes that the alcohol-induced pain was no more, Konzen leaned back and picked up a roll of bandages. He could feel golden eyes following his every move.

"What?" he asked irritated at the wide-eyed stare the boy was giving him.

"Hey, Konzen. How did you do that?"

"Do what?" the blond asked, his voice a little softer, but still a bit harsh.

"You…you made the pain go away. Like the boo-boo wasn't even there."

Startled violet eyes turned on Goku and stared at the curious boy for a few minutes.

"Hmph." Was all he could think to say and the blond turned his attention back to what he was doing.

A few minutes later Goku's leg was properly cleaned, disinfected, and bandaged up but the boy still sat with his golden eyes fixated on Konzen.

"What now?"

Goku continued to stare at his guardian a few moments longer before he broke out into a wide grin.

"Can I go play, Konzen?"

"Sure. Just don't get into any more trouble, all right?"

The boy nodded and started to get up. He paused, though, and thought for a second. Noticing this, Konzen looked at the child before asking.

"What now?"

Goku smiled wider before wrapping his arms around the blond in a hug. He then stood up, and with a loud 'sank yuu!', was out the door before Konzen could even comprehend what had just happened. Finally, the deity stood up from the stool and plopped himself down in his chair. The entire thing had taken less than an hour to happen and Konzen marveled at how utterly exhausted he was. Despite the very short trip and the injury incurred, Goku seemed incredibly happy about the whole thing now. Konzen grinned, remembering the way the boy had, innocently, nearly choked the life from the creature he'd discovered. Maybe they'd have to go back to Earth again soon.

Down on Earth, that poor little frog sneezed and then fell over at the thought.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed. :D Please leave a review and let me know what you think! Until next time, Ja!

**muckraker**: Me too. :D  
**Timetill**: With me you just never know. (grin)  
**Tenka-chan**: Thank you:D I'm glad you like my stories. It's always good to hear from fans. (L)  
**Milky Etoile**: (L) Sankyuu. I think there were quite a few people who either didn't realize what happened and didn't take me off, or just couldn't be bothered to take the story off their favorite's list. (L) The numbers haven't really changed. Always makes me feel good to see how many people like them. :D  
**Zili**: Your fav? Is that so far or all together? (L) I have a few here that might make you change your mind...  
**doublelynn**: You know how I am. (L) I have fun writing things you have to squint and turn your head to read. hehehe  
**yoong**: (L) If you say so my dear. (snuggles) Agh, I miss youuuu!  
**angel-of-shadows123**: Aw, thank you:D  
**t**: (LMAO) No problem!  
**unheard screams**: Hmm. I'd build a machine and make you a Goku to cuddle on, but I probably wouldn't be able to part with him if I could somehow do that. (L)  
**Koryu-Sanzo**: O.O Rotten? (thinks) My kinda fan! (gets out the ketchup) C'mere! (L)  
**Katsuma**: I should probably have left that out. I can't really see Sanzo getting a warm fuzzy feeling...hehhe  
**Ahja Reyn**: 39 and 58 are just a shorter way of saying Sanzo/Goku and Gojyo/Hakkai. 3 for Sanzo, 9 for Goku, 5 for Gojyo, and 8 for Hakkai. Listing the numbers is just another way of saying what pairings are in a story. Some people usually put the 'dominant' partner first, but I think a lot of authors don't realize this. Putting 393 or 585 usually indicates an equal relationship with no uke/seme labels. I kind of prefer those, but I love a good 39 story as much as anything. (L) If I remember correctly, the number system came from splitting their name's kanjii - ku in Goku meaning 9 in Japanese; go in Gojyo meaning 5; hak in Hakkai meaning 8; and san in Sanzo meaning 3. But that's from memory so don't quote me on it. (L)  
**Miakaghost**: Ah, the answer to that question can be found in my profile. That'll be shorter than trying to fit an explanation here. (L)  
**Dreaming of Everything**: Perfect? Dammmmnn. (L) I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Now. (grinning like an idiot)  
**Kiira-chan**: o.O; (L) Well, I have to say that is a first for me. You don't know Saiyuki but you read and enjoyed it anyway? Spiff! (L)  
**Diet Soda**: (LOL) That's one of the more interesting user names I've seen on this site. And sorry for a bit of a delay on updating. :D


	4. First Drink

A/N: I know it took forever, but I have finally edited this damn chapter. Please enjoy!

Chapter 4: First Drink

Goku groaned and held his head in his hands for a few minutes.

"Hey monkey! No breaks!"

Goku glared at the man next to him, sighed, picked up his toothbrush, and continued to scrub at the temple floor. After a few minutes he sighed again and leaned back, his fingers numb from the work.

'How in the hell did I get myself into this again?'

'Oh, yeah…'

Goku bounced off the wall after turning the corner and dug his feet into the floor in order to continue on. The chase had been going on for a while now and Goku was pretty sure he'd eluded most of the other monks. Behind him, two monks (It's Happy Baldie Boys 2 and 3 this time!) were scrambling to catch up to the young boy.

"You (pant) can't run (pant) forever!" Baldie 2 yelled out.

Goku snickered. He might not be able to run forever, but he could run a lot farther than these two could. It was a good thing he knew the temple as well as he did. If he hadn't lived here for years on end Goku doubted he would of gotten this far. Goku clutched the small bottles under his arms tighter and turned the next corner. Just a few more turns and he'd be home free.

Fate, as she's always inclined to do, chose that moment to step in. Or step out into the hallway, as Sanzo had done after hearing the screaming monks and pounding feet. He was now standing, feet apart, fan in hand, in preparation to grab Goku's running form and whack the life out of his head. Goku, having too much momentum to stop now, did the only thing he could think of: he threw his feet forward and slide right in between Sanzo's legs. When he emerged on the other side, instinct took over and Goku jumped up and continued running. He was long gone by the time Sanzo had recovered enough to move.

And the word 'move' takes on a new definition in this instance. It now means- To erupt into an anger so fiery in its nature that deep in Hell a Scotty-look-alike is screaming about how they must be 'losing power'.

Sanzo was a little upset.

Goku however, being giddy at his accidental display of agility, continued to run down the hallways, speeding past angry monks and flying around corners at a breakneck pace. He figured he might as well enjoy the feeling of running as much as possible now; he'd more than likely be as good as dead when Sanzo found him. So Goku hurried on, bursting outside and making his way deep into the forest surrounding Chang'An. After a few minutes of trotting along (his legs were getting sore by now) he finally came into a small clearing and spied the person he was looking for.

"So? How'd it go?"

Goku stopped long enough to catch his breath before holding the bottles out and smiling.

The man moved forward, intent on claiming his prize, but Goku stepped back.

"Nuh-uh." He said, shaking his head in emphasis. "Where're the goods you promised?"

A large paper sack was thrown forth, landing at Goku's feet. The boy grinned and handed the bottles over to the greedy man. He sat down Indian style and opened the paper sack.

"Ahhh, meat buns."

He dove into the sack, stuffed several buns into his mouth, and savored the long-missed flavor. Goku looked up when he heard a chuckle from the man in front of him.

"Damn monkey, you'd think you hadn't had a bun in years!"

Goku glared at the redhead. "Stupid cockroach! They only serve vegetables at the temple; it almost _has_ been a year!"

Gojyo snorted. "Please. Like I don't know the monk takes you into town and stuffs you full every other day."

He sighed and stuffed another bun in his mouth. "It's been weeks since Sanzo took me into town. He's been so damn busy even I haven't been able to drag him out!"

The redhead laughed and set the bottles down on the ground. He opened one gingerly and sniffed the ever-so-delicious aroma of sake.

"Ahhh. The temple monks do have some damn good sake."

Goku wrinkled his nose. "Blah. I still don't get why you had me go steal some off them. Why didn't you just buy your own?"

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "I told you monkey, Hakkai wouldn't let me. He banned me from drinking for a week. If he caught me buying alcohol…."

Gojyo shuddered. He wasn't sure he wanted to finish that thought, knowing Hakkai as he did.

"Anyway," he continued. "You didn't steal it. I mean, you did leave the money there, right?"

"Yeah, yeah." Goku said, stuffing yet another bun into his mouth. "Since I did pay for it, maybe Sanzo won't totally kill me."

The kappa grinned and threw back a long swallow from the bottle. "Oooo! That's some good strong shit!"

Goku, however, wasn't hearing the half-demon's words at that moment. Instead, all the poor boy could think about was the incredibly hot sensation now rolling around in his mouth. Whatever had been in that last bun was now sending shockwaves of pain and heat throughout Goku's mouth and it was all he could do not to start screaming like an idiot.

That came a few seconds later when he accidentally chewed down and straight into a jalapeno.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Goku jumped up, flailing about the clearing as if his very soul was on fire, while Gojyo sat back watching in a mixture of shock and amusement.

He thought for a few minutes. "Oh yeah…There's a jalapeno chicken bun in there somewhere…" Gojyo didn't bother to finish. It was obvious the boy had found it already and he was too busy trying to contain his laughter as the monkey ran circles around him.

Goku only wanted something wet and cool to get the rising fire from exploding out of his mouth. So Goku grabbed the only thing in sight: one of the bottles of sake.

And he chugged.

Gojyo, who had been ready to wet himself laughing, was now staring in complete shock as an entire bottle of sake disappeared down Goku's throat. Now, this was no ordinary bottle of sake. In truth, Goku had managed to grab an extremely old set of bottles, the contents of which contained sake rarely used because one sip would set even Sanzo a little tipsy. As it was, Gojyo was already riding the alcohol wave and he'd had just one glass. So the first thought riding through the redhead's mind at this moment, was how an entire bottle of the potent drink was going to affect someone who had never drank before.

His answer began as Goku lowered the bottle, cheeks already flushing from the heady feeling of the alcohol racing through his over-developed blood stream, and stared down at him through droopy, hazy eyes.

"Hoddy Shwif."

Gojyo nodded in agreement. Being as drunk as the boy before, and making your living playing poker with equally drunk persons surrounding you, had fortunately forced the man to learn drunk speak. Needless to say he was quite fluent in it, as was Hakkai.

Speaking of Hakkai, the healer was at that moment attempting to calm down one murderously angry Sanzo who had just learned of what Goku was doing running down the halls like a maniac.

"Now, now Sanzo. I seriously doubt Goku is going to drink 6 bottles of sake by himself."

The monk sneered and lit a cigarette. "Then what in the hell did he take them for? And where did he get money to leave behind?"

Hakkai sighed. Their visit to the temple was quickly going downhill. "I'm afraid Gojyo must have something to do with the matter. I forbade him to drink for a week. Most likely he bribed Goku into doing his dirty work for him."

Sanzo raised an eyebrow. "Forbade him to drink? Why not just make him quit smoking? The shock to his system would probably kill him faster."

The healer chuckled. "Well the last incident he caused while being drunk demanded some form of punishment and this was the most fitting thing to do."

"Incident?"

"Let's just say it involved a trumpet, a cat, two gallons of peanut butter, and several near murderous chiefs and leave it at that, shall we?"

Sanzo grunted in reply. He was pretty sure just hearing the tale would destroy several million brain cells.

"Now, I know they must be somewhere nearby, so why don't we search around until we find them?"

"Ch."

"Las cucarachas! Las cucarachas!"

Gojyo was desperately trying to calm down an extremely hyper monkey, who was now dancing around the clearing (though stumbling around would be more accurate) and was singing in Spanish. How in the hell did he suddenly know Spanish anyway? And didn't las cucarachas mean cockroaches? Gojyo sighed. Whatever he'd done to deserve such punishment he was sorry. Very, very, very, very, very, very sorry.

Goku chose that moment to sit down, cross-legged on the ground, causing Gojyo (who had been chasing the monkey around) to trip and land flat on his face.

"Las cucarachas entran, pero no pueden salir!" 1.

"What the hell is in this sake?"

Gojyo picked himself up and turned to look at Goku. The boy was grinning away, happy as a clam and humming the song he'd been singing while swaying every direction. He sighed again. This was going to be a looooong explanation when they got back. Gojyo shrugged and reached for one of the bottles. Might as well drink his last drink now. Sanzo and Hakkai were both going to kill him when he brought back a funky monkey to the temple.

"Ooooo! Finc Bungies!"

Gojyo looked at the boy, who was currently staring at a pair of rocks. 'Pink Bunnies?' He sniffed the contents of the bottle; smelled like sake, but he was starting to wonder what else might be in with it. That or just how drunk the monkey was right now.

The next time Gojyo looked, Goku was shirtless; apparently the 'pink bunnies' were cold and only his shirt could provide needed warmth. He slapped his forehead. If the monkey was going to start stripping, then he needed to get him back to the temple _fast_.

"Come on Goku." He said in his best Hakkai-leading-the-drunk-home voice. "Time to go home and sleep off the nice sake."

Goku shook his head and crossed his arms. "Nah-uh. I gonta fay!"

"Gonna play what?" Gojyo asked, curious as to what the drunk boy meant.

"Gonta fay dimob!" Goku replied enthusiastically, his hand reaching up for the limiter on his head.

"SHIT!" Gojyo scrambled forward and tackled the boy before he was able to finish the thought.

The wrestled around on the ground, rolling across the grass and leaves, Gojyo alternating curses and Goku screaming about 'wanting to play.' It was this very moment, as Gojyo had just managed to pin the boy to the ground, holding both wrist with his hands and leaning down trying to catch his breath that Sanzo and Hakkai walked into the clearing.

"Oh my…"

"What the…"

"This is soooo not what it looks like!"

Hiccup.

The three men looked down at Goku, still wearing his drunken grin and hiccupping away. It only took a few minutes, and quick glance around at an empty bottle of sake laying nearby, for the two men to figure out what _was_ going on.

"YOU GOT HIM DRUNK YOU IDIOT KAPPA?"

THWACK THWACK THWACK

"Ahhh! Damn it stop it! I didn't do it on purpose!"

Hakkai sighed and stepped in to stop Sanzo before the monk remembered his gun.

"What did happen, Gojyo?"

So Gojyo explained, through alternating glares from Sanzo and several sighs from Hakkai, everything that had taken place. Goku merely sat there, half asleep and still hiccupping through it all. Fortunately the thoughts of his 'game' were now far from his memory's grasp. Along with any other thoughts he may have had. Sanzo, trying his best not to murder both the idiots; he couldn't do so with out killing his only witness and Hakkai really wasn't that bad after all, picked up the near unconscious Goku and made his way back to the temple. And after several hours of dealing with a groaning, puking drunk Goku, Sanzo was finally able to go to bed after the boy passed out.

His dreams were filled with different forms of punishment.

THWACK

"ITAI! Don't hit me you stupid cockroach!"

"I told you, no breaks damn it! We've got an hour to finish this floor or we have to do it all over again!"

Goku stuck out his bottom lip but picked his toothbrush back up and continued.

"S'not my fault you didn't tell me there was a jalapeno chicken bun in the bag."

Gojyo snorted and pulled the annoying pink frilly apron Hakkai and forced him into out of his way as he continued to scrub.

"And it's not my fault you downed an entire bottle of sake to ease your mouth!"

"Stop yelling! My head hurts!'

"It's called a hangover idiot monkey!"

"Don't call me that you perverted cockroach!"

THWACK THWACK

"Both of you shut up and keep scrubbing damn it! Or would you rather take punishment B?"

Both men shivered and immediately began scrubbing the floor again. Hakkai chuckled as Sanzo returned to the door next to him.

"What's punishment B again?" he asked his voice alive with amusement.

Sanzo smirked and held up his banishing gun.

"Don't ever say I never gave options."

A/N: As it's almost one in the morning and I have to work, I shall make this fast. Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I'm glad you guys are happy with the reposting of Goku's Firsts! I'll try to make the updates a little faster. (sigh) Stupid work. Please let me know what you think! Anyway, until next time, Ja!

1. Translation: The cockroaches enter, but they do not leave. (sheepish grin) I learned some Spanish in college, but this sentence came direct from a Ren Stimpy cd. Heheh…


	5. First Insult

Chapter 5: First Insult

Konzen sighed as he finished towel-drying his hair, throwing the damp article across the room without a care. He sat on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands. He'd just gotten a bath. Or rather, _Goku_ had just gotten a bath and had decided, without even realizing it, that his guardian needed one, too. This being Goku's third such antics-filled bath session, Konzen had expected, and been able to stop, _most_ of the boy's usual chaos. He had not thought that the boy would cannonball into the tub like that. But at least now he was ready for bath number four as it seemed that Goku STILL wasn't to be trusted to bathe without someone keeping him out of trouble.

So long as he didn't kill the brat first, of course.

Goku was now outside, with numerous threats of bodily harm should he get dirty looming over his head, picking flowers and doing…well…Gods only knew what the boy did except pick flowers. And get into trouble. But with the sun hanging low in the sky, Konzen doubted there'd be many people out for Goku to annoy right now. He lay back on the bed, enjoying the peace and quiet of the room that usually shook with the annoying shouts of his hyperactive charge.

'At least...' he thought, his eyes drooping heavy with weariness. 'At least I never have trouble getting to...'

A moment later he was sound asleep.

When he awoke, Konzen's first instinct was to put his hand in front of his eyes to block the sunlight streaming through the window. It was to his utter annoyance to find that the sun wasn't even up yet. A quick glance at the clock told the blond deity it was nearly three in the morning.

'Shit. What the hell am I doing awake?'

Unable to resume his peaceful respite, Konzen stood up and stretched his body out, finding it not too sore from lying in such an awkward position on the bed. He strolled into the next room, his violet eyes immediately searching his desk for the newest addition of flowers Goku had promised he'd pick.

Only to find the vase still empty.

Konzen was a bit surprised, since not a day had gone by that the boy hadn't replaced the flowers on his desk with a fresh picked batch. To find it empty could mean several different things.

Goku was still messing around outside.

The idiot forgot.

Doubting that even a child as hyper as Goku would forget something he himself deemed so important, and knowing the child had _never_ been able to stay away for such a long period of time, Konzen immediately threw these two options aside. So, that left number three.

Something had happened to the little monkey.

He sighed. If the boy wasn't dead already, he was going to give him a taste of the afterlife.

'Konzen…I-I didn't know…I didn't know I was…a burden….'

Goku sniffled again, trying vainly to stop the tears that had begun to spill from his already puffy eyes. He curled up tighter against himself; his arms wrapped around his body as he leaned into the cradle of the tree's branches. He didn't know or care how long he'd been here, weeping like this, trying desperately not to imagine his snug bed or his master's warm hair; all he knew was what they had said.

Everything they had said.

"_Horrible little brat…"_

"_Completely useless…"_

"_Honestly, allowing that heretic…"_

_Goku skipped along, not really paying a lot of attention to what went on around him; his golden eyes were firmly set on the large bouquet of flowers he'd picked. They were a wonderful set this time. His explorations had led him to a field a bit farther than where he usually went, but the flowers there had been the most beautiful shades of yellow and violet. When Goku had seen them, he'd spent nearly an hour carefully picking the exact ones he wanted to give to Konzen._

'_They're so pretty.' He thought to himself with glee. 'They match Konzen's eyes and hair…I'll bet he loves these!'_

_So he continued on, trying to hurry back to his master before the sun fully set. If he got home after dark, Konzen would be really angry; then he wouldn't be able to enjoy the flowers as much. This was Goku's reasoning and nothing would keep him from his destination._

"_How can Konzen stand it?"_

_Except…_

_Goku stopped at the mention of his sun's name and peered into the door he'd nearly past. Several Gods were sitting around a table, drinking and talking; none of them looked familiar. So why talk about Konzen?_

"_Having that filthy brat hanging all over him all the time. Why does he put up with it?"_

"_I know. It's bad enough the heretic's even allowed **in** heaven, but he comes and goes where ever he pleases as well!"_

Who in world are they talking about? Someone's been bugging Konzen?

"_If you ask me, Konzen should have killed the creature by now; he's more trouble than he's worth."_

"_Yes, that Goku boy is nothing but a burden to Konzen."_

What?

"_He drives the man out of his mind! Konzen's even pissier than he use to be!"_

"_I know. Things would have been much better if the boy had never been born at all."_

Never been born?

"_I know Konzen would rather have it that way!"_

_The Gods started laughing, filling the darkened sky with their foul humor. Goku turned the opposite direction of his original intent and slowly began to walk away. When the laughter finally faded from his sharp hearing, the last small flower slowly fell from his open hand._

He didn't remember how far he'd walked, though he doubted it was too far. It was hard, after all, to see through a veil of tears. It was only when he'd climbed the tree, reaching a small nook that almost hid his body from view that those tears had started to fall. After so many hours of crying, Goku was surprised his body still had tears left. But every time those words came back to bite at his sorrowful mind, the crystalline drops would leak out again.

"I'm so sorry, Konzen." He whispered. "I didn't know…I didn't know…"

"Damn it…"

He'd been searching now for over an hour and his limited patience was starting to wear beyond thin. Though he wasn't worried, he told himself this many times, Konzen had decided to check on the brat. When he hadn't found Goku in his room, and again telling himself that he wasn't worried, the blond had decided to hunt the little monkey down. Every place he'd searched so far he'd come up empty handed.

Though he'd managed to get a picture of Tenpou and Kenren so firmly set in his mind that Konzen knew he'd be having nightmares for the next few days.

Maybe he should start knocking…

Finding himself back at the start again, he quickly checked his room: No Goku. Then he checked his office: Still no Goku. Finally he checked the boy's room: Again, still no Goku. Frustrated, Konzen slammed the door shut and headed the last direction he'd yet to try. It was another ten minutes of walking when he came upon the first of them.

Flowers. Freshly picked yellow and violet flowers.

They were lying, completely forgotten, in front of an open door. A quick glance inside told Konzen that Goku was not there. Looking farther up the path, though, he could see a few more. He stepped forward only to notice even more a little ways ahead. Goku was the only person in heaven that Konzen knew of to pick flowers, so these must be his. But why had the boy dropped them like this? He followed the trail of flowers for a few minutes, keeping his eyes searching for any sign of the young itan, until the last flower stopped him cold.

Konzen bent and picked up the small purple iris.

"Where are you, Goku?"

Goku sniffled again and looked up. He could have sworn he heard his name just now. He sighed and curled up even tighter against himself.

'No.' he thought sadly. 'No one would look for me. I'm just a...a burden…worthless.'

"Goku!"

The young boy slowly sat up. That time he'd definitely heard his name. But it was impossible; no one would come looking for him, especially not…

"GOKU! ANSWER ME DAMN IT!"

"Konzen?"

The blond snapped his head up at the whispered response and finally spied his charge curled up in a tree a little way's away. His anger began to rise at seeing the boy (not dead and all…) and Konzen stormed to the base of the tree.

"GET DOWN HERE YOU DAMN MONKEY! CAN'T YOU STAY OUT OF TROUBLE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND GIVE ME SOME PEACE!"

Goku's eyes widen at hearing these words of confirmation from his sun and the tears sprang anew to his eyes. He couldn't stop the sobs as they racked his body and Goku curled farther up into the tree's nook. Konzen froze at seeing this response from the young boy and at first he didn't know what to do. Goku had never cried after being yelled at before, what in the hell had happened?

He sighed. "What are you crying for?"

The boy didn't answer, merely turning his head away and covering his face with his hands.

"Goku." He kept his tone soft in an effort to calm the crying child. "Why are you crying?"

After a few minutes Konzen saw the reflection of soft golden eyes peering out towards him. "I didn't know."

The response was so soft, so uncharacteristically quiet, that at first the God wasn't sure he'd heard right.

"What?"

"I didn't know." Goku said again, a little louder. "I didn't know I was a burden, Konzen."

Konzen froze. What the hell was he talking about? A burden? Annoying, maybe. Trying at times. But a burden?

"I'm so sorry…I won't make you mad any more…I'll…I'll just stay here and give you peace again…"

He looked up at the weeping child for a moment before finally finding his voice again.

"Goku, you-"

"I shouldn't have." The boy interrupted. "I really…shouldn't have been born…."

The last of Konzen patience immediately snapped upon hearing these words and in one quick movement, he was up the tree and shaking the monkey's shoulders roughly.

"What in the hell are you talking about? Shouldn't have been born! Listen to me and listen to me good…YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BURDEN. You're an annoying little monkey who drives me out of my mind sometimes, but you're not a burden, got it?"

Goku's eyes widen and he stared up at his sun with confusion and hesitation.

"R-really?"

Konzen snorted and ruffled the boy's dark hair. "Damn idiot. Where did you get such ridiculous ideas?"

"Some men were talking." he said quietly. "They said I was a burden to you, Konzen, that I cause nothing but trouble and I shouldn't have been born. They said you'd rather have it that way…"

Konzen rolled his eyes, pulled the earth-child into his lap, and rested his chin on Goku's head.

"You moron. You shouldn't listen to what other people say. Idiots only say what they think they know. Next time, ask me first instead of hiding away thinking what you heard is the truth."

Goku responded with a small smile and leaned his back further into Konzen's chest. The blond's chin was poking into the top of his head sharply, but he didn't mind. Pale arms wrapped around him, holding the young boy tightly in an embrace much warmer than the one he'd held himself in. Goku spied a small purple iris in Konzen's hand and his smile grew at seeing one of the flowers he'd so painstakingly picked resting in his guardian's care. Gold and violet eyes watched the stars silently, gazing into the distant mass of the night sky and imagining what worlds might lay beyond the twinkling lights. Though it was late and both occupants of the tree were tired, neither really wanted to leave just yet. Even when the first hints of sunrise began to loose the blackness from the sky, the two figures stayed silently together, surrounded by the slowly falling cherry blossoms and the comfort of seeing and feeling the sun and earth's embrace.

And what of the four Gods who spoke so harshly?

Apparently they were among those taken down by Seiten Taisei's rampage.

They were then reincarnated as monks in a familiar little temple to later have large, black happy faces painted on their baldheads.

(-End First Insult-)

A/N: Wow. The response for reposting this has been amazing! Thank you guys so much for the awesome reviews and especially for being so patient with me! Can't say the updates are going to come any faster, but I'll try. I'm posting in a hurry, so I can't respond to reviewers (again). But I thank you all again! Please let me know what you think, and until next time, Ja!


	6. First Book

Chapter 6: First Book

"Tenpou?"

Kenren slowly opened the door to the Field Marshall's room and braced himself. As expected, a literal avalanche of books and scrolls quickly descended upon him, several bouncing out into the corridor and landing at his feet. Sighing as he kicked the items back into the room, the General entered and shut the door behind to prevent the parchments from falling back out again.

"Teeennnppoouuuu…."

He began searching behind and between the stacks and volumes of books spread about the cluttered space until he eventually found his friend sitting cross-legged on the floor. Goku was sitting quietly in the Marshall's lap and both were quite intently staring down at a small book in Tenpou's hands.

"Hellooo?" Kenren drawled out.

Finally hearing the greeting, Tenpou and Goku turned and smiled up at the General.

"Well hello, Kenren. I didn't hear you come in."

The redhead smirked. "Didn't hear the avalanche of books that nearly took me out?"

Tenpou chuckled. "If all it took were a few volumes to be rid of you, you wouldn't be fit to be a General."

"No sympathy?"

"Nice try though."

Goku grinned. "Hi, Kennii! Want to read with us?"

Kenren leaned over to glance at the open book in his friend's hands.

"What cha reading, squirt?"

Tenpou smiled. "We're reading a nice little book about frogs. Ever since his trip to Earth, Goku has been dying to learn about the little creature he found there."

The General grinned. "And what have you learned?"

"Ooo! Frogs are neat Kennii! They start out real itty bitty…" Goku squinted his fingers together. "And some can grow up to be HUGE." He dramatized the words by throwing his hands out wide.

Tenpou chucked. "Not quite that big Goku, but some species of frogs can become rather large in size."

The young itan sighed. "I miss the froggy I found on Earth. I wish I could go play with him again."

The two men were quiet for a bit, neither quite sure how to explain that Konzen would be hard-pressed to make a return trip to the lower worlds anytime soon. An idea suddenly popped into Kenren's head after a minute, and his thoughtful gaze soon turned into a broad grin.

"Well, why don't you write your own book?" he said. "Then you can 'play' with your frog all you want."

Goku beamed up at the General. "Really?"

Tenpou smiled. "That is a good idea. You can write all kinds of adventures for your frog to go on."

The brunet jumped from Tenpou's lap and began to bounce back and forth from foot to foot.

"Can I? Can I really? Will you help me Tenpii? Huh? When can I start? When?"

Both men laughed and the Field Marshall got up to search for some paper.

"Yes, Goku, you can. And as soon as I find you some paper and ink, you can start now. I'll help you any way I can."

Finally locating a few sheets of paper and some spare ink, the Marshall handed the items over to the gleeful boy, who promptly sat down and started to think. After a few minutes of contemplation, Goku hastily began to scribble down a few words before stopping to think again. Tenpou chuckled at the sight of a 'seriously thinking' Goku and sat down with Kenren on the nearby couch to talk.

"It's keeping him quiet anyway." Kenren said.

"Yes." Tenpou grinned. "That will make Konzen happy, provided Goku is still writing when he returns to his guardian."

"Where is the blond grump anyway?"

The Field Marshall shrugged. "Busy I would presume. Goku simply wandered in a bit ago and asked about frogs. We've been reading ever since."

Kenren smiled. "It's getting close to dinner time. I imagine Konzen will be out soon trying to hunt his 'pet' down."

On cue, as the author makes the rules for such occurrences, said blond deity opened the door at that precise moment and stormed in.

"Have you two seen the little trouble maker?"

Tenpou smiled and pointed to the floor where a still quiet Goku was busy thinking about his 'froggy friend's' adventures. Konzen watched for a few minutes, amazed the boy had been quiet for the last few seconds and stared up at the two Gods sitting idly on the couch.

"What the hell did you do to him?" he ground out.

Kenren covered his mouth in a vain attempt to not laugh as Tenpou explained.

"Goku wanted to learn more about frogs so I read a few books to him. He said he missed the little frog he found on Earth and Kenren suggested he write a story about the creature."

Konzen continued to stare.

"The monkey's writing a story?"

Tenpou nodded.

"About a frog?"

Kenren started turning red from the lack of oxygen as Tenpou nodded again. Konzen rolled his eyes and walked up to his pet. He stood there for a few minutes in silence, watching as Goku wrote a few lines then stopped to think before writing again.

"Hey, Goku."

The boy continued to scribble, not noticing his guardian's attempt to reach him.

"Goku…."

He stopped for a few seconds to think again before continuing.

THUD!

"OW! Hey, Konzen, what was that for!"

"You idiotic ape! Answer me when I call your name!"

Goku pouted. "I didn't hear you! You don't hafta hit!"

Konzen sighed. "Just get up and get moving. It's time for dinner."

Goku silently looked down at the papers in front of him and then back up at the blond.

"But I'm not done yet."

Tenpou grinned. "Take them with you and write some more after dinner Goku."

The itan smiled and jumped up, grabbing his papers and ink. "Thank you, Tenpii! Thank you Kennii!"

"You're most welcome Goku. Stop by if you need any help."

Konzen gritted his teeth and grabbed the monkey's collar. "Go. Now."

Goku waved bye to the two men. As soon as the door slid shut, Konzen heard the unmistakable General's laugh echoing out towards them. He had wondered just how long the idiot would go with out breathing just to avoid getting killed. Goku was silent during the walk home and throughout dinner, his mind busy with thoughts of adventures to put his frog through. The boy retreated to his room soon after eating and began to jot down his newly formed ideas. It was well past the earth spirit's bedtime when Konzen checked on him, unsurprised to find Goku still writing away.

"Goku."

The child was smart enough (sometimes it does only take once…) to look up when Konzen called him this time.

"Bed."

He pouted, a borage of excuses ready to roll off his tongue at the demand, but the stern gaze from Konzen caused him to quickly shut his mouth and reluctantly get changed. The blond moved forward and collected the papers, intent on setting them up somewhere to keep the over anxious monkey from getting to them, when Goku suddenly cried out.

"Noooo, Konzen! You can't read it yet! I'm not done!"

He rolled his eyes and lightly whacked the boy on the head. "Idiot. I'm just putting them up so you can't write anymore after I leave."

Goku frowned again and watched as Konzen set the papers on a high shelf. The deity turned, his gaze clearly sending the message 'touch them before morning and die', before he left the room with a mumbled 'good night'. It took several hours for Goku to finally find sleep, his mind a jumble of thoughts and ideas to add to his frog story. Sleep eventually won out, and the boy's dreams were filled with little jumping froggies with bugging eyes.

The next morning Konzen found Goku's room empty, the papers and ink having disappeared as well as the young boy. He sighed and wondered if the boy had gotten up at the crack of dawn to get the story and continue writing. Konzen went back to his study, content to do his work in silence for a while until even his stomach began to complain. Looking up the blond was surprised to find it well past lunch, and still no sign of his hyperactive charge. He stood, resigned to his fate at last, and headed to Tenpou's to reclaim the idiotic monkey.

Just as he suspected, Goku was sprawled across Tenpou's floor, writing away as the Field Marshall looked on in silent amusement. Konzen sighed again and joined the brunet on the couch. He was glad to see, however, that Tenpou had at least made the boy stop long enough to eat. The scattered remains of lunch were still sitting around the boy, long forgotten.

It was nearly an hour later when Goku finally stopped, sat back, and smiled.

"Done!" he exclaimed.

Tenpou smiled. "Very good, Goku. Would you mind if I read your story?"

The young boy grinned before shoving the papers at the God. "Yes! Read, Tenpii!"

Despite his annoyance at the idiocrisy of the entire thing, Konzen couldn't help himself and was soon reading over the Field Marshall's shoulder.

_The Adventures of Kerokero_

_By Son Goku_

_Kerokero hopped on a lily pad. He was very happy today. Today his friend Goku would come and play with him. He missed Goku and he did not have any other friends to play with. Goku soon came and the two started to have a lot of fun. Kerokero was so happy and his eyes were huge! They decided to explore the woods and soon got lost. Kerokero was scared and so was Goku. They did not know how to get out of the scary woods and it started to get really dark. Just when they were getting really, really scared, the sun came and helped them out of the woods. SO SCARY! But the sun was really, really nice even when he yelled at them. Soon they were back at the pond and Goku had to go home. But he promised Kerokero that he would come and play again. So Kerokero was not too sad. He hopped on his lily pad and fell asleep. Kerokero had fun dreams of the next time Goku and the sun would be back to play._

_The next day…_

The two men continued to read adventure after adventure of 'kerokero' and Goku, most, if not all, including a mention of 'the sun' that kept saving them. Tenpou was grinning like a madman by the time they'd finally finished, and even Konzen couldn't keep the small smile that crept onto his lips.

"So? So? What do you think Tenpii? Konzen?"

Tenpou smiled. "It's wonderful, Goku, really! I wish I had something half this good in my library!"

The child grinned at the praise and turned to Konzen. The blond sat for a moment, staring at the boy who was staring back with unveiled hope in his golden eyes. Konzen sighed and ruffled the boy's hair.

"Not bad for a monkey."

Goku grinned even wider. "Yah! Konzen likes it too! He…hey, wait a minute! I'm not a monkey!"

Konzen rolled his eyes and stood up. "Come on monkey, it's time to go."

Goku jumped up and grabbed the deity's sleeve. "Hey, Konzen? I'm hungry! Can we get something to eat? Konzen? Konzen?"

The blond sighed. "Idiot. Come on. Shut it and I'll feed you."

"Goku?"

The boy turned to see Tenpou smiling and holding up his story. He smiled.

"You can keep it, Tenpii! I'll write more for your library!"

"Ahh, thank you, Goku. I'll be sure to show it to Kenren when he stops by later."

"Bye, Tenpii!" Goku said, waving to the God before turning back to his guardian. "Konzen? What can we have to eat?"

Konzen grinned as they stepped out and made their way back home. He couldn't resist.

"How about frog's legs?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(-End First Book-)

A/N: Eeep. Sorry for the incredibly long update time. Some of you might notice that the Madlib is suppose to be chapter 6. I was afraid, this time around, that it might be a violation of FFN's 'No interactive' rule, so I decided not to include it. The chapter numbers might be messed up if I forget to correct them, so forgive me. Ah, I do love this chapter. heh. The hardest part at the time was trying to come up with a froggy adventures story. (L) I'm short on time now, so I apologize as well for no reviewer responses. I shall catch the ones for next chapter. :D Thank you all for your reviews, and, as always, please let me know what you think! Until next time, Ja!


	7. First Cold

A/N: Okay. Can we all say "it's been awhile"? o.O; I never meant to be off FFN for this long. But it has happened and I do apologize for that. It's been an interesting few months, but I renew my pledge that I will not leave my stories unfinished. I've just been having a lot of trouble coming up with anything, much less writing it down into something enjoyable. Writing should be fun, not a hassle. I apologize again, but I hope any of my old readers will understand. You know I love you all. (hugs) 

Chapter 7: First Cold (In Heaven)

The entire thing started with a simple sneeze. Nothing unusual there-until it happened a second and third time; to which Konzen quietly reasoned with himself that his little 'pet' had finally developed an allergy to the precious flowers he spent so many hours choosing, picking, and arranging. It left a bittersweet taste in his mouth to think the brat might not be able to decorate his office with the stemmed bits of color anymore. But then Konzen figured that even a fatal allergy to the damn plants wouldn't be enough to stop Goku from picking them for his 'sun'-no matter what the consequences may be.

After watching in mild revulsion as the boy wiped his nose with the back of his hand, the blond deity quickly grabbed a box of tissues and threw it towards the sniffling boy. Never being as quick on his feet around his guardian as during other times, the box sailed through the air until itsmacked against the Goku's head with a soft thud.

"Ow! Hey, Konzen, what was that for?"

The blond rolled his eyes. "They're called tissues. Use them to wipe your nose and not your hand."

The boy looked down to the box and blinked. "Why?"

Konzen looked upwords, as if silently praying to some mystical higher power that resided above heaven itself and sighed.

"Because snot is disgusting-more so when it's on the back of your hand. Use the tissues or die, got it?"

"Got it."

"Good."

The subject was deemed closed and Konzen returned to his paperwork. After a few minutes of curious silence, he looked up to see what could have engrossed the energetic boy to hold his tongue for such a period of time.

The sight his eyes met would have been called amusing by an outside observer; and judging by the lopsided grin that Tenpou wore as he stood silently at Konzen's door, that thought had definitely wound its way into the brunet's head.

Goku, for all his innocence and curiosity, had decided to indulge Konzen in his words of wisdom and use the offered box of tissues. Obviously, his nose had started to leak; to which thechild had decided that the best way to stop said leak, would be to plug it up. Thus, half a box of tissue was now firmly folded and squeezed up each of his nostrils, flowing out and down his lips like a bad mustache. He was now breathing through his mouth, adding to the amusement of the situation by causing the flowing bits of tissue to flutter up with each exhale of air, and idly folding a few pieces of tissue into different shapes.

Konzen wondered if it was snot or brains the monkey was trying to keep in his head.

Tenpou wondered if Konzen knew he was smiling at the scene before him.

But, such moments of childish hilarity had to be broken, and a low growl from Konzen was all it took. Goku looked up quickly, causing the tissue to flutter sharply, giving off an odd little popping sound as they rushed to catch up with his head. Startled, and amazed by the noise, Goku tried to look at the paper up his nose, going cross-eyed in the process.

Konzen barely managed to feign annoyance and put his head in his hand to disguise the laughter that wanted so desperately to spill out.

Tenpou, however, managed to step around the earth-child quickly enough to see the boy's face and promptly began to giggle.

"Don't encourage him."

The Field Marshall laughed again and turned towards his friend. "You obviously gave him the box of tissues, and you tell me not to encourage him?"

Konzen opened his mouth to speak, but oddly enough, nothing would come out.

"Hey, Tenpii!"

Tenpou looked down, amused all the more by the slightly nasal pitch added to the boy's voice due to the nasal blockage, and smiled.

"I'm soooo booooorrreeddddd!"

Tenpou chuckled. "Perhaps you'd like to go with me while I try to find Kenren? It's not very exciting, but it's something to do."

Not really caring about what they did, so long as he was able to get out of Konzen's stuffy office, Goku quickly nodded his head, resuming his cross-eyed position when that little popping noise choose to make an appearance again.

Tenpou grinned again and turned back to the blonde. "You don't mind, do you Konzen? I'll keep a close eye on him."

Konzen snorted. "By all means, off with you both. Maybe I can actually get some work done today."

The Field Marshall chuckled and picked up the half-used box of tissues before sliding them into one of his over-large coat pockets. He smiled at Konzen's upraised eyebrow.

"Back-up." He answered simply. "Come on Goku."

The two left, Tenpou desperately suppressing his laughter as Goku continue to question him about various things in his new nasal voice. Konzen sighed and leaned back in his chair, enjoying the peace engulfing his office at his charge's departure.

It was sometime close to dinner when Goku was returned to him, supported by a worried Tenpou and a slightly miffed Kenren. Neither God spoke when they entered, simply carried Goku past Konzen and into his room. Kenren re-entered the study a few seconds later, leaving the Field Marshal to finish taking care of Goku. Konzen raised an eyebrow in silent questioning at their behavior and the General sat down in a nearby chair before he finally answered.

"Your monkey's sick."

"Don't be ridiculous." Konzen snorted. "It's probably just an allergy or something."

Kenren shook his head. "Trust me on this one. The boy's sick. We thought the same thing since he was just sneezing and all. But a few minutes ago we noticed he was really quiet and –"

"He has a high fever." Tenpou finished quietly, shutting the door as he entered the office. "Nothing life-threatening, but still high."

Konzen sighed. Great. A sick monkey. Just what he needed.

"He fell asleep almost the instant he laid down." The brunet continued. "I imagine he's managed to catch a cold somehow. Though I can't imagine from whom since I've hardly ever seen someone with a cold in heaven before…."

"Fine." Konzen said with a growl. "How do we fix this?"

"Hmm. We probably have some cold medicine buried in the first aid shed somewhere. I'll search around and see what I can find. In the meantime, keep a close watch on him. Try a cold compress to help bring his fever down and make sure he drinks plenty of fluids."

The blond nodded wearily, already dreading the coming headaches a sick Goku would be sure to bring his way. "Anything else?"

Tenpou silently contemplated for a few moments. "You may want to go easy on foods until he feels better. Soups and such."

Kenren smirked. "Yeah, wouldn't want the monkey up-chucking on your fine floors…"

Konzen shot the General a nasty look, to which both men recognized a clear sign to leave. Once both Gods had been disposed of, Tenpou promising to return soon with the medicine, Konzen sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He could only hope this cold would be as quick to leave. Giving in to his fate, he quickly filled a bowl with cool water, grabbed a rag, and silently entered Goku's room.

Tenpou had left a light burning, much to Konzen relief, and he sat down beside the now wheezing boy quietly. He pressed a hand to Goku's forehead, damning silently that yes-the boy did have a fever, and proceeded to ready the washcloth.

After a few minutes of dabbing the cool cloth across the boy's face, Konzen finally realized how incredibly quiet the room was. Goku was deep in sleep, punctuating the silence only with his intake of breath, which caused a short wheeze from his chest to escape. A few minutes more, and Konzen discovered that he was actually relaxed; the rhythmic endeavor of cooling the boy down having slowly leaked the apprehension from his over-worked body. A loud cough suddenly echoed through the room and Konzen started backwards when Goku suddenly sat up, awakened by his own noise. The earth-child's golden eyes were clouded with haze and he continued to cough, ignorant to Konzen's presence as his body desperately tried to be rid of the offense buried in his lungs. The blond deity's reaction was instinctual, his hand reaching forward to calmly smooth up and down the boy's back in an effort to calm the fit.

After a few moments the coughing subsided and Goku relaxed, leaning forward a bit as Konzen's hand continued to stroke his back. A small knock at the door caused Konzen to pull his hand back.

"Come in." he said softly.

Tenpou pulled the door back and held a small bottle up for inspection. "Found it."

Konzen nodded and watched as the Field Marshal carefully dispensed the necessary amount into the cup provided before setting the bottle down and squatting down next to Goku.

"Goku?"

The boy looked up wearily, his eyes unfocused as he turned towards the familiar voice next to him.

"Goku, I have some medicine for you to take."

Obviously not completely gone, and remembering Kenren's teasing about how disgusting medicine tasted, the boy shook his head furiously and clamped his mouth shut. A bit of a mistake, he learned, as a small hint of dizziness almost made him lay back down. Tenpou sighed and muttered something about paying Kenren back for this one before trying again.

"It doesn't taste bad Goku and you need to take it to get better."

Gokurefused again, shaking his head a lot slower this time.

Konzen, not one for patience or games, rolled his eyes and snatched the cup from Tenpou's hand before thrusting it under Goku's nose.

"Take it or you eat soup and crackers for the next month."

It took a few minutes, but Goku's fever-ridden brain finally registered the threat and his eyes widened accordingly. Less than a second after realization hit, the boy opened his mouth and allowed the liquid to be poured in. He swallowed, reluctantly, and spent the next few moments smacking his mouth in an effort to be rid of the nasty taste. Tenpou smiled and handed the bottle over to the boy's keeper, explaining about dosage and times before leaving back to his own residence.

Konzen sighed again. How in the hell was he suppose to watch over the boy without staying up all night? He reviewed the options silently, cursing each one until the only plausible reason was found. Goku had managed to fall asleep sitting up in the meantime, so Konzen took extra care in pickinghim up before moving to his own room. He settled Goku down, placing the medicine and a glass of water on the bedside table before changing and slipping into bed.

He silently prayed sleeping next to a sick monkey wouldn't cause more trouble than had already ensued before he fell asleep.

Konzenawoke some time during the night to find the bed missing one monkey. Sighing and cursing to himself,the Godrolled out of bed and went in search of the missing boy. After searching every room, he was about to try going outside when a small cough lead him back into his office. A second cough found Goku curled up under his desk, knees draw up to his chest with his arms wrapped loosely around his legs.

"What are you doing under there, idiot?" he asked quietly.

Goku looked up, startled by the voice, and Konzen could see the fever was still presence in his eyes.

"Konzen," the boy whispered his voice rough from coughing. "I don't feel good."

The blond sighed and opened his arms. "Come on, get out from under there before you freeze to death."

Goku hesitated for a moment before dragging himself out and curling up to his guardian's embrace. Konzen wrapped his arms around the boy tightly, hugging him for a few moments before standing up with Goku in his arms. He felt a head rest gently on his shoulder and two arms wrap loosely around his neck and smiled.

Alright, so sick monkeys could be cute.

The next few days passed in much the same way as the cold slowly retreated from Goku's body. Konzen couldn't say which he preferred-the silent and clingy Goku or the noisy and clingy Goku. But either which way it didn't seem to matter what he preferred; the noisy and clingy Goku was soon returned to him in full force and he was thankful that at least he didn't have to dish out more of the disgusting smelling cold medicine.

At the end of the first day in which Goku had been well enough to venture back outside, Konzen found himself sitting at his desk, grumpily reading and signing documents in an effort to catch up the work he'd missed while attending to the sick monkey. It was close to dinnertime when the boy finally came back, carrying a small bouquet of various flowers in his hand. He was unusually silent as he filled a small vase, placing the flowers inside and arranging them to his liking before setting the new masterpiece on Konzen's desk. Goku then proceeded around the desk, pulling Konzen's chair out with the blond in it.

"What the-"

The boy didn't stop, despite the harsh tone, he merely proceeded to climb into his guardian's lap and wrap his arms around Konzen's neck. The blond sat frozen for a few moments, un-use to such demanding displays of affection from his charge, before he finally wrapped a loose arm around the boy and hugged back. Goku pulled back after a minute or two, a dazzling smile lighting his face and he quickly pecked Konzen on the cheek before embracing the God again.

"Thank you for taking care of me, Konzen." He said quietly.

Not one to stay in one place for long, Goku quickly departed, scampering off to no doubt catch up on the trouble he'd missed during his cold.

Konzen remained fixated on the spot, taking stock of everything that had just happened before he finally leaned back in his chair.

And smiled.

(End.)


	8. First Kiss

A/N: Okay. Yes, it's a long time between updates. Or I haven't updated in MONTHS. I know. I'm a bad little bunny. :( But life has a way of just...being life and getting in the way. (growl) I have (finally) come up with an idea for the next chapter of One Bad Week. If it wasn't 4am, I'd probably try to write some on it. But I will be trying to get a new chapter up for that soon. I make no promises, though. Thank you all for being so patient with me! (many hugs)

The idea presented in this story is simply a parody, and is not meant to be a true statement of how anyone feels. What people think, how they feel, and who they love is completely up to them. But if you've ever met a "MANLY" man...(snicker)

Chapter 8: First Kiss

They had taken a vote, between the three of them, and had reached one unanimous conclusion:

This was so stupid.

It wasn't just the fact that they were stuck in the middle of no where, the map having been destroyed in the latest attack way of demons that ambushed them so suddenly; or that their youngest companion was currently in la-la land, a product courtesy of the demon horde's 'leader', an odd woman who did more maniacal laughing than talking. No, after all they had beaten and bludgeoned every member of this latest demonic playgroup into a bloody pulp, including their tickled leader.

No, what made the entire situation so endearingly stupid, was the fact that said leader had somehow managed to sprinkle some kind of very strange dust on Goku, causing the teen to fall over and into a sleep deep enough to rival that of most corpses.

And like most evil enemies, the woman had been kind enough, or stupid as was Sanzo's opinion on the matter every time they met up with someone like her, to explain that the dust was 'magical' and there was only one thing that could be done to break the spell and wake Goku up.

Once she announced the answer, even Hakkai was contemplating just letting Goku sleep.

Apparently the powers that be, i.e. the group's bitter enemies (or Dr. Nii, notorious for watching everything they do), had been paying attention and had finally decided that sending mass waves of demons at the group was becoming redundant and pointless. So they had taken to hiring demons that were either insanely smart or, in the case of this last one, just insane.

Lucky them.

On the outside it might have seemed like a really stupid plan. But anyone who has ever been around a group of straight men will tell you that the underlying genius of the idea could not be overlooked. Call it pride, fear of the unknown, or just plain male stupidity, but one fact of nature remains that most men will nod their head and declare, YES that's RIGHT.

This fact is?

Men do not kiss other men.

At least straight men don't.

And any straight man that has ever been in a situation to have his side of the fence put into doubt will tell you that in the heat of the moment, you'll say anything to try to convince people otherwise. Not that there's anything wrong with…'it', as most men will put it, simply because they, for reasons science can't even determine yet, have a hard time actually vocalizing this state of being that they so profusely deny belonging to, while at the same time try so hard not to look like they're against it.

Weirdoes.

So here they stood, three straight men and a dragon, arguing over who was going to do the honor of kissing the slumbering monkey in order to wake him up. Most people would wonder why they didn't just hop in the jeep and drive to the next town and hire a woman to kiss the teen. That would be a fantastic idea…. except the map was destroy, remember? Hakkai, being the resourceful chap that he can be at times, was trying not to pay much attention to the fight going on between Sanzo and Gojyo, and was instead trying to re-create the map in his head.

It wasn't going very well. All he could remember was that it was west…kind of a 'duh zen' moment really, since that's the only direction they ever travel; and that the next town was several days away. Which, of course, opens a plot hole big enough to drive a Mack truck through when you think about it: just let Goku sleep until they get there, right?

That would work, if it weren't for that nasty little time limit.

Time limit you ask? What time limit?

Ahh, apparently someone out there…(again, one must wonder if Nii was behind this)…seemed to have known such arguments were sure to occur, and therefore placed a wonderful time limit on the 'magical dust'. Three hours. Three little hours to kiss the monkey and wake him up or he sleeps for all eternity.

The men had, up to this point, been arguing for two.

No more plot holes. Beautiful.

"Look, you're his keeper right? You're responsible for his well-being and all, YOU kiss him!"

"For the last time…I...DO…NOT…KISS."

"Aww, come on tight ass little monk-"

"If you're so eager to have the idiot up again why don't YOU kiss him?"

"Forget it, my kisses are for the ladies…."

"Feh. That last little 'hottie' you picked up sure didn't look all that much like a lady to me."

"I was drunk you bastard!"

"No excuse."

"Why I outta-"

CLICK.

"Outta what?"

"Nothing."

And so it goes on, such as it had for the past two hours. Now one might begin to wonder, as this entire scenario might have you doing, what is Hakkai doing?

Hakkai, for all intents and purposes, has slipped off into another world. Thinking about one subject for too long has a tendency to warp one's mind and suck you into a never-ending world of oddities, which usually includes dancing fruit and tutu covered hippos.

So he was pretty much out of it.

Not that anyone else has noticed, being too busy defending their feeble clutch onto straight-hood and denying that even the prospect of saving a companion's life would be enough motivation to stray a single finger over the imaginary fence.

And Goku?

He's sleeping, remember? Duh. But if he had an opinion on the matter, by this point he'd be yelling at the two idiots who are arguing, stating he doesn't care if a cow kisses him so long as he gets to eat soon.

The whole 'man' thing hasn't kicked in yet, despite five hundred years. So if it had been anyone else in his position, it'd be safe to say they would have been kissed and up long before now.

But it's not. So it goes on.

"Stubborn idiotic monk! We're running out of time! Why don't you just kiss the monkey and get this over with already?"

"Why should I?"

"Oh my God…you're like a little kid!"

"And you're any better? Do you have any idea how long you spend in front of a mirror every day?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"You're like a drama queen getting primped up!"

"So? Gotta look good for the ladies man."

"Just the ladies?"

"God damn it! I said I was DRUNK!"

"Yeah. Keep talking, kappa."

So while Gojyo continues to defend his 'ladies man' status, and Sanzo continues to egg the red-head on; mostly because he's Sanzo and Gojyo's Gojyo and this is just how the world works, Hakkai has since come out of his stupor and managed, in his Hakkai-ish way, to figure out what's been happening in the past two hours and forty-five minutes that he was in never-never land.

"Er, guys?"

"Besides, it's not like you have a reputation to uphold! You're a monk! No one expects you to get laid!"

"Guys?"

"Exactly my point. I have rules to uphold. Celibacy is one of them."

This shut everyone up for a few minutes.

That is, until Hakkai and Gojyo both fell to the ground in hysterical bouts of laughter.

"What the hell is so funny?"

Hakkai, being a bit more tactful…and be it noted 'a BIT', managed to speak first.

"Y-you? Upholding rules?"

That was about all he managed to say before rejoining Gojyo in laughing-til-they-cried and then laughing some more. This, needless to say, just pissed the blond monk off.

But what else is new?

So after a few minutes, and various colorful threats from Sanzo and his gun, the two youkai managed to reduce their mirth to sporadic chuckles and stood up. Hakkai then glanced at his watch…he has a watch...just roll with it…and noted one very disturbing fact.

"Umm..guys? We have about ten seconds to figure this out."

"WHAT!"

"That's it! Quit being so damn stubborn and kiss the monkey!"

"Why me!"

"Do you want to face the Three Aspects and tell them one of the people they specifically asked to have on this journey can't continue because his master refused to save him over something as simple as one little kiss?"

Sanzo was at a loss for words. Mostly because that incredibly long and logical explanation had just come from Gojyo; but mostly because he was right. So, turning with out a word he stormed to Goku and…

"Sanzo I'm hungry!"

Blink.

Blink blink.

"What the hell?"

Goku stood up, looking no worse the wear, and gave the three very agitated, very confused people in front of him a confused look of his own.

"What?"

"How did you-"

"When did you-"

"What in the hell just happened?"

Goku shrugged. "I woke up. About an hour ago."

Without another word the little monkey walked past the three, picked through Hakkai's pack until he found several meat buns hidden there and started eating.

While Gojyo attempted to keep a raging Sanzo from killing the newly awoke monkey, Hakkai calmly walked over and sat down next to Goku.

"If you've been awake for the last hour, why didn't you say something?"

Swallowing loudly, Goku grinned. "I tried, but they were arguing so loud they didn't hear me, so I figured I'd just wait until they decided who would kiss me until I tried again."

Finally regaining his normal air of tranquility…yes…that's a joke…Sanzo walked over and smacked his charge up side the head.

"OW!"

"Who kissed you?"

"Huh?"

THWACK

"DAMN IT, SANZO!"

"I said WHO kissed you?"

Goku blinked, processed the question and then smiled. "Oh yeah. Thank Hakuryu."

"Kyuu!"

The little white dragon flew down and perched on Hakkai's shoulder as Gojyo and Sanzo face-faulted to the ground.

The moral lesson here?

It's Saiyuki. Moral lessons are not included.

Just cheeky little white dragons that are secure enough in their own masculinity to kiss another man.

(-end chapter-)


	9. First Randomness

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! Glad to see people are still reading, despite my long absence. :) If you have any questions, feel free to send me a private message. Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 9: First Randomness

"Hakkai?"

"Yes, Goku?"

"Ummm…"

Hakkai set the bookmark between the pages he was reading and gently placed the book on the table before him. He looked up and saw Goku nervously chewing on his bottom lip.

"Whatever it is Goku, you can talk to me."

The brunet gave a nervous smile and drew a breath.

"Well, I was wondering…"

Hakkai smiled, trying to be as reassuring as possible. Nothing the teen had ever asked before had given him such a problem and he was starting to wonder what could possibly be on the teen's mind.

"What's it mean to 'get your freak on'?"

After picking his jaw up from the floor, Hakkai cleared his throat gently and tried to sound neutral as he asked. "Where in the world did you hear such a statement?"

A few seconds of silence ticked by.

Realization hit.

"Ahh. Gojyo. Never mind."

"Well?" Goku asked, ready for an answer now that he'd finally gotten the question out. "What's it mean?"

"Ah ha ha…it's uhh…Slang. Yes. It's a slang expression. Do you remember us talking about slang before?"

Goku puckered his lips for a few moments in thought before nodding vigorously. "Oh yeah. Like 'that's so cool' and stuff like that, right?"

"Very good Goku, you remembered."

The teen smiled happily for a moment before understanding the healer was trying to stall.

"That's still doesn't answer my question! What does 'get your freak on' MEAN?"

Hakkai chuckled nervously. "Ah…perhaps you should have asked Gojyo. He is, after all, the one who said the expression. He would be the best to answer that question."

"Okay!" Goku grinned and darted out of the room before Hakkai came to realize exactly what he had just said.

"Oh dear."

A few hours later Goku returned, dejected, to the room he shared with Sanzo. He hadn't been able to find Gojyo anywhere, despite having looked in every bar and restaurant in town. Not even the stores that sold cigarettes had remembered seeing the redheaded man. Flopping down on his bed with a loud sigh, he began to absently kick his dangling legs back and forth, smacking the bed frame every once in awhile. It was only a few minutes before Sanzo stood up, walked over, and preceded to smack the living daylights out of him with the infamous paper fan.

"Ow ow ow ow oww!"

"Stupid monkey! I WAS sitting here in peace and quiet reading the paper! Quit screwing around!"

Rubbing his now sore head, Goku pouted as he watched the monk retreat back to the table. A half-hour of mind-numbing silence later and he couldn't take it anymore. Getting up slowly, Goku quietly made his way to the table and sat down on the other side from Sanzo. He gathered all his patience and propped his head on his hands, elbows on the table, and stared at the spot he figured the monk's eyes to be. It didn't take long before the paper slowly lowered and angry violet eyes came into view.

"What is it, Goku?"

"Hey, Sanzo, can I ask you something?"

The blonde sighed and pulled his glasses off before folding the paper and setting it down on the table.

"You're going to sit there and stare at me until you get to ask, aren't you?"

Goku nodded.

"Fine. Ask."

The teen started to open his mouth but was interrupted by Sanzo before he could start.

"And it better not be something stupid."

Sanzo sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose as Goku cocked his head to the side, obviously in deep thought as to whether or not the question he intended to pose could be consider 'stupid'.

"Just ask it, idiot."

"Um, well."

"Do you need some encouragement?" The monk asked, gently placing the fan down on the table between them.

Goku shook his head. "No, no! That's not necessary! What does…umm…what does 'get your freak on' mean?"

Sanzo stared at his charge for a few long moments, trying desperately to keep his eyes from twitching in aggravation.

"Gojyo?"

Goku nodded.

"Where is he?"

Goku shook his head. "I can't find him."

"Keep looking."

Taking the dismissal, Goku stood up and headed for the door. When he reached for the doorknob, he stopped as Sanzo's voice rang out in a tone eerie enough to send shivers down his spine.

"Ask _him_ when you find him. Then send him to me."

Nodding slowly with his eyes wide, Goku quickly slipped from the room and raced to find Gojyo.

After several more hours of searching through the entire town, Goku finally stumbled into the last bar he could find. It was a ratty dump, hidden in the back of an alley and he had to ask ten different people directions before he finally found the place. After blinking his eyes to rid them of the cloud of smoke that greeted him when he walked in, Goku slowly scanned the small tavern until a mop of red hair came into view. Striding over full of determination, he stopped in front of Gojyo, fist clenched at his side and demanded:

"What does 'get your freak on' mean?"

Gojyo, who _had_ been drinking from his beer, shot forward and spewed the amber liquid everywhere. The two women who were hanging around his neck backed off, giggling to each other before taking off somewhere else. After catching his breath again, the redhead turned and glared at the teen standing next to him.

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

Goku sighed. Sometimes Gojyo could be a real moron.

"Earlier. You were in the shower."

Gojyo nodded.

"And I asked you what you were doing."

"Yeah and I told you I was getting ready to go out."

Goku nodded this time. "And then I asked where you were going and what you were going to do."

"Yeah."

"And then you said 'I'm going out to get my freak on'."

Silence.

Blink.

Blink.

"Idiot."

"Ow ow ow! Let go of my head cockroach!"

"Quiet!"

Dragging the teen outside in a headlock, Gojyo didn't stop until they were clear of anything resembling a person.

"All right, spill it. How in the world did you hear that and who else did you ask about it?"

Getting his head free, Goku glared at the half-demon. "Stupid roach. YOU said that and I asked Hakkai AND Sanzo. They both said to ask you."

Gojyo slapped his forehead. "I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"Then what DID you say!"

"I SAID…." Gojyo sighed. "I said 'I'm going out to get some beer, moron'. Idiot."

Blink.

"Oh."

The two stared at each other for a few moments before Goku slowly started to back away.

"By the way…Sanzo wants to see you."

A few seconds later Goku was long gone, leaving Gojyo staring at a little puff of white smoke where he had once stood. It took a few seconds before what the teen had said clicked and Gojyo sighed as he lit a cigarette.

"I wonder if Sanzo will buy that explanation, too."

(-end chapter-)


	10. First Problem

A/N: (chuckles) I'm glad everyone's enjoying the stories. :) This one is, by far, one of my favorite chapters. I remember how much I giggled while writing it, so I hope everyone gets at least that much enjoyment from it. :) Thank you all for the reviews! (big squishy hugs)

Chapter 10: First Problem

BANG BANG BANG BANG

"DAMN IT GOKU, GET OUTTA THERE!"

Silence.

"HEY! MONKEY!"

Silence.

BANG BANG

"If you don't come outta there in the next five minutes, I'm busting this door down!"

Silence again.

Gojyo snorted. Damn ape. It was past time to get back on the road and somehow _he_ had been picked to find their missing companion. After searching the entire hotel, the redheaded man had come to the only room left: The bathroom. After several minutes of banging on the door, it was obvious that if Goku was in there, something was wrong.

"All right! That's it!"

He walked down the hall to the other end, turned around, and took a deep breath. If the monkey won't come out, go in and get him. Gojyo took off as fast as he could, turning his body so his shoulder slammed into the door. The resounding splat that followed was enough to shake the entire hotel and a nearly flat Gojyo slowly drifted to the floor, arms and legs splayed wide. After a few seconds, he managed to sit up, rubbing his aching head.

"Geez, what a strong door."

"Gojyo? Is something the matter? We thought we heard an explosion."

Turning his head, which he realized then hurt his neck, Gojyo saw Hakkai and a slightly-more-than-pissed Sanzo striding his way.

"That would be me, meeting the strongest door ever made."

"What?"

Gojyo sighed. "He's in there." He said, pointing towards the door he'd just flattened himself against.

"Oh."

Hakkai stepped around the redhead and knocked on the door. "Go-"

"HURRY IT UP MONKEY!"

Hakkai winced slightly and turned to his companion. "Honestly Sanzo, there's no reason to shout."

The monk grumbled. "Like hell there isn't. We could have been outta this damn town by now." Impatient, he starting slamming his fist on the door. "GET OUT!"

"I can't." The quiet voice of Goku finally said.

"What?"

"I said I can't."

Sanzo felt his eye twitch. "And why the hell not?"

Several minutes passed, each one furthering Sanzo's irrational (but usual) anger. Finally, the blonde pulled out his gun and aimed it at the door handle.

"You have five seconds to respond or I'm shooting this damn door down!"

The five seconds came and went in silence…

BANG BANG BANG

The three men ran for cover as the three bullets bounced off the door and began ricocheting off the hallway walls, zigzagging back and forth until finally burying themselves in different locations. One sailed out a window, meeting harmlessly with a tree outside. The second went into a linen closet, which Gojyo had opened in his attempt to escape the chaos, launching into a pillow and sending feathers everywhere. The third, however, met a more… interesting end as it buried itself straight into the bent over Gojyo's rear end.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oh dear."

Sanzo looked up, slightly amused as Gojyo began hopping around the hallway holding his wounded cheek. "Oh well."

The redhead seethed. "YOU BASTARD! I OUTTA SHOVE THAT GUN RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!"

Sanzo sneered. "Why? So my ass can hurt as much as yours does?"

"THAT'S IT."

"Calm down both of you." Hakkai said, somehow managing to maintain his smile throughout. "If you would be so kind as to limp yourself downstairs Gojyo, I'm sure the innkeeper would be happy to fetch you a doctor."

"Huh? What the hell are you, healer boy?"

Hakkai cocked an eyebrow. "Fine. I'll be happy to help you Gojyo, but I'm afraid I don't carry any numbing agents with me. It's going to hurt a lot more coming out than going in."

Gojyo stared at the creepy smile the brunet was giving and shudder. "No…No you're busy right now. I'll just go find a doctor."

The healer shrugged. "Suit yourself then."

Turning, Hakkai knocked on the bathroom door again. "Goku?"

"Yes Hakkai?"

"Is something the matter?"

"Umm… You could say that."

"Are you hurt?"

Goku was silent for a few seconds. "Kinda."

Sanzo, who had been patiently…and the term is used loosely…waiting as Hakkai played twenty question with the monkey, finally lost what little shred of patient he had left.

"Then open the damn door, let's fix it, and get on the damn road already!"

"I…I can't."

Sanzo sighed and began slowly massaging his temples. Breaking the door didn't work, shooting it didn't work…although it was amusing to watch the aftermath…how to get the monkey out.

AHA!

"If you come out now I'll buy you whatever you want."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Anything?"

"Anything."

Goku was silent for a few more minutes, a slow puddle of drool creeping out from underneath the door. Hakkai and Sanzo stepped to the side to avoid it. This had to work…

"I still can't…" the brunet sighed.

"I'm getting a drink."

Hakkai watched as Sanzo turned and stalked down the hallway. Something _had_ to be wrong for Goku to not even come out for food…

"Goku? It's just me out here now. Is something wrong in there?"

"Yeah." The healer strained his ears to catch the near whispered reply.

"Um, is it something embarrassing?"

"Yeah."

Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Now to find out what it is.

"You can tell me Goku, I'll help you out. I won't say a word to Sanzo or Gojyo."

The teen was silent for a few moments before he finally asked. "Promise?"

"I promise."

After a few more silent minutes the teen finally spoke. "Remember last time? It won't go down again and I need to…you know."

Hakkai furrowed his brows for a few minutes, trying to think until the realization hit him. Ooooohhhhhh…

"Well, that's all right! I'll go down to the local pharmacy and pick something up that'll help you, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll be back in a few minutes!"

He smiled slightly as he made his way downstairs; bypassing the curious glance Sanzo threw him from the bar before heading to the local pharmacy. He could understand now why the teen was a bit reluctant to talk about this in front of Gojyo and Sanzo; the two men would be laughing their asses off and teasing their youngest companion for days. Especially Gojyo.

Making his purchase, he noted Gojyo limping out of an office down the street and hurried back to the hotel. Seeing Sanzo still at the bar, Hakkai went back upstairs and knocked softly on the bathroom door.

"Goku? I'm back. Crack the door and I'll hand it to you."

"Umm, I can't Hakkai."

"Hmm? Why not?"

The embarrassment was evident in the teen's voice as he explained. "Well, I've been sitting here for so long trying to make it go...and...my…my legs are asleep."

Hakkai chuckled. "I see. Is there a window in there?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Simple, I'll have Hakuryu fly the bag up to you, just open the window."

"Oh! Okay."

Sending the white dragon off, Hakkai waited patiently at the door until he heard Goku's thanks to Hakuryu and the brown paper bag containing the solution being opened.

A few seconds later and a thought struck him. "Goku?"

"Uh huh?"

"Don't use too much or you'll have the complete opposite problem on your hands."

Silence.

"How much is too much?"

Hakkai sighed. "How much did you use?"

Silence again. Then…

"About half?"

Oh boy. "I'm afraid this is going to get worse before it gets better, Goku."

He heard the teen groan. "Why me. Why not that damn perverted cockroach…"

Hakkai chuckled. "Sorry my friend. I'll inform the others we'll be staying a bit longer."

"You won't tell them why will you? You promised Hakkai and-"

"I won't say a word, Goku."

He walked downstairs to inform the others. Goku had actually had this problem once before, but had managed to take care of it himself. Hakkai was hoping he wouldn't have to help the teen out this time.

A few minutes later he was back at the bathroom door.

"Goku?"

"Yeah?" The teen sounded tired. He must have been trying hard to alleviate his problem.

"How's it going?"

Goku was silent for a minute. "Just like you said. Umm, do you think maybe…you could…"

"But how would I get in?"

He heard a slight giggle from the other side. "It's not locked or anything."

Hakkai couldn't help but laugh. "All right, I'm coming in."

Stepping inside, he saw the teen sitting on the toilet, an embarrassed flush gracing his face as Hakkai shut and locked the door behind him.

"Hmm, I see. That is a rather large predicament isn't it?"

"This is starting to hurt Hakkai!"

The healer smiled. "Don't worry Goku. I'll take care of it."

"You won't say anything…right?"

"Mum's the word." The brunet assured him.

Hakkai squatted down in front of Goku and reached out with one hand. The teen flinched slightly and he stopped.

"I know, I know. I'll be gentle with it."

Goku nodded again, the blush growing slightly as Hakkai began.

Meanwhile…..

Gojyo and Sanzo, both a little more than smashed at this point, stumbled their way upstairs. Well, Sanzo stumbled. Gojyo stumbled and limped. The numbing agent was wearing off now and the alcohol hadn't quite kicked in enough to numb the pain away.

ANYWAY

Both drunken idiots stumbled to the bathroom door intent, in their alcohol induced stupor, to lure the locked up Goku out. What they heard was not quite what they expected.

"Hold still Goku, you're almost there."

"Hnnn…I know! I know! Keep going, Hakkai!"

"I know this hurts after so long, but I'm going to have to be a little rougher."

"I don't care! Just don't stop now!"

Hakkai grunted in response, obviously working hard.

"Yessssss! Almosstttttttt!"

Sanzo and Gojyo stared at each other. What in the hell?

"Just a little more…"

"YES!"

Silence.

"Thank God. I'll go get you another pair of pants, all right? Just let me wash my hands first."

……

"Goku, you all right?"

"Yeah. Hurry please."

A few seconds later Hakkai stepped out of the bathroom, looking at the two men before him before shutting the door behind him.

"What?"

Both men's eyes were wide. Sanzo managed to speak first. "What in the hell was going on in there?"

Hakkai shrugged and went outside to fetch a new pair of pants from Goku's bag in front of the hotel. When he returned a few minutes later, he found them both still standing in shock and nearly laughed.

"Why don't you two go wait in Jeep and we'll be down in a minute?"

Having no real way to continue with questioning Hakkai, both men simply shut their gaping mouths and left. Hakkai chuckled again and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

He walked in and shut the door before handing the teen a new pair of pants.

"Thanks, Hakkai. I didn't think I'd ever get my zipper down. I had to pee so bad!"

The healer laughed. "I know. I thought we threw these pants out after the first time."

"I guess I forgot to." Goku said, dropping the pants and sliding into the new pair.

"Honestly though, I didn't think you'd use a half a tube of lubricant on the zipper. Too much and it just makes it worse."

Goku grinned and scratched the back of his head. "Sorry. I just wanted the zipper down. I wasn't thinking."

Hakkai smiled. "Well, at least we took care of that problem."

The two men exited the bathroom and started downstairs.

"By the way…" Hakkai said, stopping until Goku turned to face him.

"If Sanzo and Gojyo give you strange looks, just smile and give them a wink."

Goku looked at him puzzled. "Why?"

Hakkai grinned. "Trust me. It's going to make the next few days very entertaining."

(-end chapter-)


	11. First Movie

A/N: It was hard to make this obvious, but I meant to put Goku's age somewhere around 13-14 or so. It is, of course, NOT meant to show any kind of relationship. But I couldn't ignore my fluff senses and this was too good to pass up. hehehe. Thanks for the reviews and I hope you enjoy!

About the last chapter: Um, well, use your imagination as to what you believe Sanzo and Gojyo thought was going on. If you knew me at all, your mind would be firmly planted in the gutter, though. (cackle)

To this chapter: For those not in the know, Baskin Robbins is an ice cream parlor that boast (at least) 31 different flavors of ice cream. Mint chocolate chip is my favorite. :)

Chapter 11: First Movie

It all started with a perfectly innocent question.

"Hey, Hakkai? Can we go see a movie tonight?"

Hakkai had been more than happy to grant the little question with a yes, having thought for the past few hours of dozens of things that could keep the teenage Goku entertained while he stayed with he and Gojyo. Sanzo had been called out of town on some Sanzoly errand and had expressly forbid Goku to accompany him this time. He had contacted Hakkai with the excuse that Goku was too energetic and would likely run off and get lost in a city as big as the one he was traveling to. Of course, he didn't mention that this particular city was the home of the largest tavern in the southern continent, a perpetual 'Baskin Robbins' for beer-drinking men everywhere.

Naturally he wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to sample refined and true quality beer from all over the world.

Duh.

And being as how the monks at the temple were already trembling in fear of the thought of the little monkey being left in their care again, none to thrilled by the idea and most of them breaking out the now often used fire existinguishing equipment, Sanzo had thought it best (and safest for what remained of his study since LAST time's fiasco had occurred) to have someone Goku was more likely to mind watch over him.

Thusly the blond monk had chosen Hakkai and Gojyo.

It was more Hakkai than Gojyo really; he knew the potential risk factor for Gojyo having to be there, since it was his house after all, but with Hakkai there he was reasonably sure nothing too catastrophic would occur.

Or that at least the damage would be minimized.

So it came to be that Hakkai, Gojyo, and Goku headed off to the newly opened movie theater, which was showing a special sneak preview of a much hyped about movie, and one that Gojyo, consequently, had been dying to see since he heard about it coming out.

Resident Evil.

It was only after the tickets were bought and Hakkai had a chance to read the pre-printed summary of the movie they were going to see, that the first bits of concern began to pop into his mind.

"Ah, Gojyo? Do you think it's a good idea to let Goku see a movie like this?"

The redhead laughed as he paid for a super-mega-jumbo tub of popcorn for a bouncing and drooling Goku. "Don't worry 'Kai. He's a big boy, he can handle a little scary movie, right monkey?"

"Stupid cockroach! Don't call me that! How scary a movie is it?"

"It ain't that scary monkey-boy. Just a few zombies is all."

Hakkai wrinkled his brow, seriously thinking about swapping his and Goku's tickets for something else.

"Look." Gojyo said, seeing the look his friend had on his face. "You watched 'Night of the Living Dead' and weren't scared, right?"

Goku grinned. How the hell could anyone be scared of a zombie that says "Brains…I want brains…" like a constipated crack-addict?

"Yeah! That movie was great! Is this one like that?"

Gojyo nodded in confident. "You'll love it!"

"Aw, Hakkai! I wanna see it! Please? Plleeeassseee?"

The healer made the mistake of looking down at the pleading boy…

…and was instantly trapped in a pair of large, doe-like golden eyes.

He sighed.

There was no way in hell he could refuse those eyes.

Sensing the victory, both men whooped and high-fived each other before dashing off to find seats. Hakkai smiled in spite of his lingering apprehension and followed behind.

"Damn it, monkey, would you stop following so close!"

Hakkai sighed in exasperation. The first part of the movie had been fine and all three men had relaxed into it, completely forgetting any fears that it might be too much for the young Goku to handle. Even when the first zombies had appeared it seemed Goku wasn't too scared, simply a bit jumpy when things suddenly happened without warning.

Of course, the cry of "OH MY GOD THAT'S SO GROSS" had echoed through the entire theater when the final agent had been sliced through with the computer's laser beam system, effectively killing the man and sending tiny little square chunks of his body dripping to the floor while the heroine looked on in horror.

But still, even after that Goku didn't seem too phased.

That is, until the dogs showed up.

Gojyo didn't know there were zombie dogs in the movie. That changed everything.

Zombie people Goku could handle. But the earth child had nearly lost it when three zombie dogs, bones and knotted muscle showing, had suddenly appeared and attacked.

Everything had gone downhill after that.

Even the most ridiculous of zombies terrified the boy and Hakkai had eventually dragged him out of the theater as the giant mutant creature started attacking the train. When Gojyo finally came out Hakkai had yet to calm the now terrified teen down, having settled for simply holding the trembling figure for the past bit until the redhead immerged.

Now, as the trio walked home, Goku was stubbornly clenching Hakkai's hand and walking so close to Gojyo that he kept stepping on the back of the man's foot. Nothing either of them had said so far seemed to help, least of all anything Gojyo had to say. After nearly drawing blood with a murderous glance for Hakkai, the half-demon had given up his sorry attempts at making Goku feel better.

It was going to be a looooongggg night.

After a bowl of ice cream and three hours of comforting words, Hakkai finally laid a sleeping Goku down to sleep. He managed to distract the teen with a game of 'Go Fish', the only card game that the boy could play and win at; and had been relieved to find that Goku was bouncing up and down like his old self upon winning the bed for the night.

Of course, the dangerous looks he'd flashed Gojyo when the bet had been made probably helped the teen's victory along, but he didn't care at this point.

He waited until Gojyo curled up on his newly acquired sofa, his retribution to giving up a win to his card-playing mortal enemy, before turning off the lights and settling down on the futon on the floor. After an exhausting few hours of trying to calm Goku, he was asleep in a matter of seconds.

It seemed only a matter of minutes before his eyes were fluttering open again and Hakkai wondered if perhaps he'd woken up too soon again. Shifting his gaze around, he nearly screamed when his eyes adjusted to the room's darkness and he came face to face with Goku's wide-eyed face. After taking a few seconds to calm his heart, which was now in his throat, Hakkai managed to find his voice and whisper out to the boy.

"Goku? Is something wrong?"

He could see the teen trembling slightly and could hear it when he spoke.

"They're after me Hakkai…"

"Who's after you?"

"The dogs…"

The healer sighed. The movie had obviously given Goku nightmares. He stood up slowly, taking Goku's hand and leading him back to the bed to settle him back down.

"The dogs aren't after you Goku. It was just a dream. And it was just a movie, it was all make-believe."

"I…I know...but…"

Hakkai sat down on the bed, pulling the covers over the teen as Goku lay back down.

"But what?" he asked softly.

Goku sniffled slightly. "It was scary…"

Hakkai ruffled the boy's chocolate locks lightly. "I know it was. But it wasn't real and nothing can get you. Not without going through me and Gojyo first."

A loud snore suddenly blasted through the room, causing them both to giggle slightly.

"Okay." Hakkai said with a chuckle. "Without getting through me first."

He could see Goku grinning and decided to head back to his own spot for what was left of the night.

A hand on his wrist stopped him and he turned to see those damnable doe-eyes pleading up at him for a second time.

"Stay?" Goku whispered tightly. "Please?"

Hakkai smiled and nodded, waiting until Goku scooted over before climbing into the bed and pulling the covers around them both. It was a tight fit for two, a problem that Goku solved by plastering his body against Hakkai, burying his head in the older man's chest and trembling again. The green-eyed man shook his head at the young teen's childish actions, but said nothing as he wrapped an arm around Goku's waist and gave the boy a reassuring hug.

The room grew mostly silent then, interrupted only by Gojyo's obnoxious snores and light mewling sounds from a curled up Hakuryu in a nearby corner.

"Hakkai?"

He smiled at the sleepy sounding voice. "Yes Goku?"

"What if zombie dogs really do attack us in the night?"

"I'll be here to fight them off. No zombie dogs could get past me."

"What if they did?"

"Hmm. Well, then I'd just throw them some of Gojyo's cooking. That would stop anything."

Hakkai could feel Goku's smile against his chest and the boy's body slowly started to relax as sleep curled around him. A few minutes later and the silence was broken again.

"Hakkai?"

"Yes Goku?"

"What if they crept in real quiet?"

"I'll still know they're here."

"How?"

"I'll be awake after all."

"Awake?"

"Well of course Goku. I'm going to stay awake and make sure no pesky zombie dogs try to get in tonight."

Silence.

"All night?"

Hakkai smiled and hugged the teen again. "All night." He assured.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

A few minutes later and Gojyo's snores were accompanied by another's, as sleep finally found the now comforted Goku.

When morning finally came, it found Goku still firmly wrapped in Hakkai's safe embrace as the older man watched the sun rise…

…with a genuine smile of happiness despite his lack of sleep.

(-end chapter-)


	12. First Drabbles

A/N: (chuckles) Okay. I know there's a few people that have been waiting for this chapter to come out. It was a few chapters down the line, but I figured I just go ahead and slap it up. FFN hasn't been letting me do anything the last few days or so, hence why it took so long to update. All I've been able to do is log-in, couldn't upload. So it sucked. It sucked huge, hairy monkey nuts. Still no luck in coming up with something for OBW. The frustration will eventually cause my head to explode. (nods) Also,I've been considering creating a LiveJournal, but I'd hate to be all alone with my insanity. Anyone got one? I promise I won't try to pick your brains for ideas. Umm...really. I won't. (evil grin)

Chapter 12: First Drabbles

**First Present**

Sliding the door back, Sanzo stood with a very outwardly calm expression on his face and surveyed the damage.

Thick billows of black smoke had stained the walls and a few small tendrils still drifted from the now shut off oven. Flour and sugar littered the countertops, creating a rather festive display of fake snow, indented in various spots with handprints, footprints, and what appeared to be the profile of a face in one place. Something dropped past his eyes and the blond glanced up, surprised and yet not to find several eggs still barely clinging to the ceiling. Batter was splattered across the room and mixer was still running inside an overturned bowl.

Sidestepping the dripping eggs Sanzo calmly walked through the kitchen, picking up his robes to avoid ruining them, and strode to the other side of the island. There, huddled and trying to be quiet, was a soot, batter, and flour covered Goku. The boy looked up, startled to have been found and his eyes were already shining with unshed tears. Looking him over, Sanzo noticed the way the young boy was clutching his hand and extended his own without a word.

The brunet hesitated for a moment before extending his small hand out and revealing the large cut crossing his palm. The monk remained silent; opting instead to lead the filthy boy to the nearest bathroom, where he began cleaning and dressing the wound. The two remained quiet for a few moments until the small child murmured something that Sanzo couldn't help but smile at.

"Happy Birthday, Sanzo."

**First Math**

"Alright, very good. Now, nine times nine is?"

Goku's brows furled together in concentration, his eyes straying to the ceiling as the gears in his brain began to turn. He kept silent and still, trying hard not to use his fingers to try to help himself along. Hakkai watched patiently, amusement and pride dancing in his eyes as he studied the young man in front of him. A quiet snort broke the teen's concentration, and Goku lowered his head to glare at the redhead sitting across the room.

"What?"

Gojyo chuckled as he lit a cigarette. "Give it up. Monkeys can't do math."

Hakkai could see Goku bristling at the statement.

"Can too!"

"Can not."

"Can too!"

"Can not."

"Can to-"

"SHUT UP!"

Sanzo stood up, more than fed up with Gojyo's constant interruption. Goku may not be the smartest of creatures, but the boy was trying.

"Come on, monk. Even you have to admit monkeys can't do math."

The blond's eyes narrowed at the redhead before he turned his gaze to Goku.

"What's sixteen and nine?"

"Twenty-five."

"Twelve times twelve?"

"One hundred and forty-four."

"Thirty and fourteen?"

"Forty-four."

"Moron and pervert?"

"Gojyo."

Sanzo turned, a smirk gracing his face as he looked at the open-mouthed and now fuming redhead.

"Can too."

**First Insomnia**

After fifteen times of sighing, Gojyo couldn't take anymore. Sitting up, he launched his pillow in the general direction of his roommate, more than pleased when a muffled 'hey' echoed back to him.

"You stupid roach! What was that for?"

"You! Idiot monkey. Why don't you quit fidgeting and go to sleep already?"

Gojyo gritted his teeth as another sigh greeted him.

"I can't."

"Why not? It's easy. Lay down, close your eyes and SLEEP."

"I tried that!" the indignant huff answered. "I just can't get to sleep!"

"Fine. Then shut up or get out. You might not be able to sleep, but I WANT to."

He heard the creaking of bedsprings and a few footsteps before his pillow was smacked back into his face. Pulling it off, he missed his chance to insult the teen again as the door closed.

Goku padded down the hallway, stopping in front of the room Sanzo and Hakkai shared before moving on. Halfway down the hallway he stopped and turned back, only to pass the door again. After a few times of this, the door suddenly opened and he was grabbed by the collar and jerked inside. A hand was over his mouth before he could say anything and he only relaxed when the familiar scent of Sanzo reached his nose.

"What the hell are you doing up?" the monk whispered.

When the hand didn't move, Goku stuck his tongue out and licked the palm. Jerking back with a near silent cry of disgust, Sanzo immediately whacked the teen over the head with his other hand.

"Idiot. That's disgusting. Now answer."

"I can't sleep."

"So you thought it'd be a good idea to keep everyone else up?"

Goku sighed. "No. Gojyo kicked me out."

"I'm not surprised."

Nothing more was said, but Goku could faintly trace the blond's silhouette as he retreated from the doorway and moved to lie back down in bed. After a few minutes, he began to bounce back and forth on his feet, debating on whether to leave or stay.

"Well?"

"Huh?"

Looking across the room, Goku waited for his eyes to adjust before he noticed the covers on Sanzo's bed were pulled back and that the monk had scooted to the far side of the bed. Smiling, he hurried over and slid in, pulling the covers to his chin and settling in. After a few moments of silence, Goku could feel himself beginning to drift off.

"Sanzo?" he whispered.

"What?" came the equally quiet response.

"Thanks and goodnight."

The monk grunted in reply and the two fell silent again. Just before he fell asleep, Goku barely heard the last statement from his bed partner.

"Kick me and you die. Goodnight."

**First Story**

"There once was a peace and quiet-loving monk who lived…"

"What was his name?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, Sanzo, he has to have a name!"

"God da….Alright. There once was a peace and quiet-loving monk named Shu…"

"Who would name their kid after something you wear on your feet?"

THWACK!

"SHU not shoe you moron."

"OW!"

"Now shut up."

"All right all right…"

"Anyway. So he lived in a boring, but peace and quiet-filled palace which he enjoyed very much. But one day, a loud and obnoxious monkey brat invaded the palace and.."

"What was HIS name?"

"Son of a…"

"……"

"……."

"That's not a very good name either."

THWACK THWACK THWACK

"I'm thinking you retard!"

"OWW!"

"Now shut up before I knock your ass out."

"…crappy cranky monk…."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing!"

"Hmph. All right. The loud and obnoxious monkey brat's name is Kugo."

"….A-"

"Don't say a word."

"Right."

"So, the poor monk was besieged with headaches and.."

"Sanzo?"

"What now?"

"What's bes…besei…"

"Besieged."

"Yeah. What's that mean?"

"Pretty much that he had a shit load of headaches."

"Oh. Okay!"

"ANYWAY. So the poor monk Shu stocked up on as much aspirin as the pharmacy could let him buy at one time, forcing the cause of his headaches to carry the…"

"Sanzo?"

"God damn it what IS it?"

"Why is this starting to sound like our trip to town today?"

"……"

"……"

"…I have no idea what you're talking about.."

"Liar! This story is about us isn't it! I'm not obnoxious! And I'm NOT a monkey!"

"Lie back down you moron."

"I want a different story!"

"Forget it. I can't believe you talked me into THIS one."

"Come on Sanzooooooooo!"

"Shut up."

"Sanzo!"

"No."

"…..Sanzo?"

"…..Shit. Don't give me those eyes…"

"….."

"It's not going to work, monkey."

"……"

"Damn it. ALL RIGHT. Lie down and I'll tell you a different damn story."

"Yeah!"

"But this time, one word and I'm out of here."

"…(nods)…"

"Alright. About a hundred years ago, in this very temple, there lived an evil monster…."

**First Meal**

All he could do was stare.

Just a scant hour ago, Sanzo had returned from Mt. Kaka with the golden-eyed, brunet child called Goku in tow. The child's constant rants of "I'm hungry" had finally driven the blond to the point where he'd walked into the first diner he saw, slapped down his credit card and told the server to keep it coming until the boy couldn't move.

That had been sixty-five plates of food ago.

Watching in a combination of awe and disgust as the child placed dish number sixty-six down and grabbed the next, Sanzo couldn't help but wonder where exactly all that food was going to.

And if this was the reason the child had been imprisoned for so long.

He snorted quietly. It was an acceptable excuse.

Watching as the boy wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before belching –rather loudly-, Sanzo buried his face in his hand and tried to pretend as if he wasn't there.

"Excuse me, Master Sanzo?"

"What?" he asked, not bothering to look up.

"..er…I'm afraid your card has been rejected."

This time, his head did snap up and he glared at the woman standing before him, holding out his now shredded card.

"Excuse me?"

The woman shifted nervously from foot to foot under the piercing gaze, but nonetheless repeated her previous statement. Sanzo gawked at her for a few moments, then began racking his brain for another means to pay. After several minutes (in which the dish count had rose past seventy), the monk sighed in frustration.

"Um…We have ways of letting you work off the bill if you'd please, Master Sanzo."

Sanzo's glare intensified.

There was no way in hell.

Thirty-minutes later the blond was standing in front of a sink full of dishes, wearing a pink frilly apron and scrubbing at a plate with more venom than necessary. Behind him, curled up on the floor, lay a full and utterly exhausted brunet child. Despite many beatings, Sanzo had been completely unsuccessful in waking the boy up and was now forced to 'pay' their bill himself.

Someone, someday, was going to pay for this.

(Several years later)

"OW! God damn corrupt monk! What the hell was that for!"

Turning around in the jeep and replacing hisfan in his robes, Sanzo merely smirked and went back to sleep.

(-end chapter-)


	13. First Lesson

A/N: This is kind of a non-descript me-just-playing-around bit. I rather enjoyed how it came out at the time and now, I still like it. :) Go me! (laugh)

For anyone that's interested: I know a few people remember when one of these chapters was a Saiyuki MadLib. A lot of people enjoyed it, but FFN's no interaction rule may apply, so I haven't reposted that chapter. To get around this, you can go to my profile and follow the homepage link to my LiveJournal, where I've posted the MadLib, as well as my mom's answers, for anyone to see. Heh. It was fun to read that one again. Made me want to wake her up and make her do the prompts again. (evil grin)

Thank you for the reviews, everyone, and I hope you enjoy this chapter:)

Chapter 13: First Lesson

He was going out of his mind.

Weary with frustration and homicidal thoughts, Konzen sat back in his chair and rubbed the bridge of his nose with one hand, the other tightly clenching the armrest of his chair. It was only eight o'clock in the morning and he already had a migraine coming on. The minute he woke up he knew something was wrong - the entire place was way too quiet. He'd dressed quickly, knowing that silence equals trouble, especially when you live with a loud, obnoxious, curious and trouble making monkey child. The sight that had greeted him when he entered his study had left him speechless for a good five minutes, and only after he'd regained his mind did he sit down before he fell down.

The entire office was an absolute disaster area; papers and books were flung about, some torn, most covered with dirt and bits of grass. His desk, which had once held a neatly stack pile of papers, was now soaking wet, not to mention covered with the remains of a vase; the pieces of which were now scattered about the desktop and on the floor. A few drips of blood spoke that someone had tried to clean the mess up at one time, no doubt the cause of the tornado-like destruction that he was now viewing: Goku.

He opened his eyes, willing the horrifying images to have fled in the duration of time in which he'd been driving away thoughts of killing the boy, only to be met with everything just as it had been. A small thud caught his attention then, and Konzen's gaze wondered about the room until it fell on a small closet in the corner. Another soft thud and he stood up, stalking over to the door and flinging it open. A very wide-eyed and terrified Goku tumbled out, spilling onto the floor in front of Konzen's feet. A look of pure relief came over the boy's face and in a flash he stood up and was hugging his guardian with the ferocity of a fan girl.

"Ah, Konzen I was so scared in there! I couldn't get out! You saved me, Konzen! Thank you thank you thank you thank you…."

He listened as the boy continued on, wondering if the child was going to get to the part where his office had been turned into a nuclear disaster area or not…

Steeling his anger, Konzen managed to beat back the flashes of homicide again and asked very slowly and in a neutral voice.

"What in the HELL happened in here?"

Goku's head snapped up, his golden eyes impossibly large as he stared up into Konzen's face. A few stray tears had already made their way down his cheeks and only then did the deity notice the bruises that were beginning to form on the boy's face and neck.

Konzen squatted down, worry and curiosity replacing any anger as he noticed more bruises littering what he could see of his charges body.

"What the hell happened in here, Goku? Who did this?"

The earth-child sniffed slightly, hesitant to give an answer but knowing he couldn't remain silent forever. He'd just opened his mouth to speak when another voice interrupted.

"Good, I see you found him."

Both looked up, greeted by the sight of a very flustered and slightly angry looking Tenpou standing in the entranceway.

The blond could feel his anger rising again.

"What happened, Tenpou?"

The brunet stepped forward, clearing a few bits of paper from a nearby couch and sitting down.

"Baseball." He said with a soft sigh.

Konzen's brows furrowed together. "Excuse me?"

"We, being myself and Kenren, wanted to teach Goku baseball."

"And what does that have to do with my office looking like a complete disaster area? And why the hell does he look like someone beat the shit out of him?"

The Field Marshall sighed again. "We couldn't find a baseball. So we used a tennis ball instead. We were only going to teach Goku how to catch and throw first, then go outside to play the game."

Konzen nodded, having a feeling he already knew where this story was heading.

"We had no idea Goku had such a strong arm though." Tenpou waved his hand around the room. "All this was caused by the tennis ball bouncing around, and our attempts to try and stop it."

"And the bruises?" the blond asked roughly, pointing to the boy still wrapped around him.

"Well…it was a pretty hard throw…and we all kind of got in its way a few times…"

"So you're telling me that a tennis ball did all this." He asked, waving his hand to indicate the sordid mess around them. "And caused all of this?" he gestured to the black and blue boy beside him.

"Yes."

Konzen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose again.

"Why were you in the closet?" he asked, not looking up.

Goku sniffled before answering. "I..I knew you'd be mad at me…cause of the mess and…and…"

"He tried to clean it up, Konzen, he really did. He's got the band-aids on his fingers to prove it."

The blonde looked down, seeing a borage of cartoon-decorated bandages littering the child's fingers.

"Goku just got a little too upset because he knew you'd be waking up soon and he panicked. He took off outside and Kenren and I have been looking for him ever since."

Konzen looked down at the sniffling monkey. "Why did you hide in the closet?"

"…I dunno…"

He sighed again. "It's all right."

Goku's head snapped up and he rubbed one red eye with the back of his hand. "R-really Konzen?"

The blonde sighed yet again. "Yes. Idiot. It was an accident, right? You three clean it up and no more throwing balls inside again, got it?"

The earth-child smiled, nodded his head so fast it looked as if it would snap off and quickly bounced to Tenpou.

"Come on Tenpii! Let's clean up! Come ooonnnn!" he grabbed the Marshall's hand, pulling and grunting until the man stood with a light chuckle.

"All right, Goku. We'll start cleaning. I'm sure Kenren will check back here soon."

A few hours later and the entire office was back to new, not one hint of the destructive properties of three idiots and a tennis ball showing through. Konzen had been surprised to find all his papers stacked back up, the ones that were not savable having been copied by hand by Tenpou. The two older Gods had left, leaving Goku with a pad and a box of crayons to keep him occupied until they found an actual baseball that they could use to teach him how to play.

Konzen allowed himself to watch as Goku doodled on the provided paper aimlessly, no doubt only wasting time until the Marshall and General returned to teach him the new game. His wandering scribbles were just starting to manifest into something resembling a picture (which from the blond's view looked like a bloated hippo rolling on wheat; amusing to later learned it was suppose to be him…) when a polite knock resounded in the room, followed by the door being rudely slammed open by Kenren. Tenpou stared straight ahead, his hand still positioned in mid-air before slowly lowering it down and then quickly elbowing the General in the ribs.

"We found a baseball!" he announced, holding the white ball up like a trophy.

"Oh, goodie." Konzen muttered.

"Goodieeee!" Goku leapt to his feet, all traces of the once calm and quiet boy doodling on a paper on the floor were completely eradicated.

A few seconds later and Konzen was nose to nose with an excited, all but panting Goku, whose imaginary tail was shimming with his rear as large golden eyes sparkled up in an unasked question.

The blond sighed in resignation. "Don't break any-"

He blinked slowly, having opened his eyes to find the three had totally disappeared.

It was only ten minutes later when the door burst open yet again, causing Konzen to nearly jump in surprise. He honestly had expected to practically drag Goku back in for bed. Looking up, he saw Tenpou leading the boy in, one hand resting on the younger brunet's shoulder and mumbling words of comfort along the way. Kenren followed behind, looking worried and guilty at the same time, causingKonzen to narrow his eyes slightly.

Now what?

He finally settled his gaze on Goku; the earth-child was crying, actually it was more like wailing really, and holding his hands over his nose. Konzen stared at the scene for a moment before he saw the first trickle of blood escaping from between the child's fingers.

"What the hell…"

Until he was bending down in front of the weeping boy, Konzen hadn't even realized he'd stood up.

"The ball bounced off a rock and hit him right in the nose." Tenpou said with a sigh. "Apparently baseball isn't such a good idea today."

"You think?" Konzen snorted, gently prying Goku's hands away to inspect the newest damage.

The child's nose was swollen, the traces of a large black-and-blue mark already forming close to his eye, indicating the hit hadn't just landed on his nose, but off to the side. He inspected softly, ignoring Goku's winces and wails as he prodded, until he was satisfied that nothing was broken.

"Get me some ice." He said, voice weary from the day's continuing disasters.

Kenren jumped to comply, a fact that told the blond that he'd most likely been the one to throw the ball before it had done its damage. When the General returned, Konzen took the towel-wrapped ice and placed it on the back of the earth-child's neck. He drew his finger perpendicular to Goku's nose and pressed at it above his lip. The boy blinked at him, blatantly curious to his guardian's actions.

Feeling the stares on him,Konzen surmised that Goku wasn't the only curious one in the room.

"Old trick to stopping nose bleeds." He grumbled.

And, indeed, a few moments later Goku's nose had stopped dripping.

A few apologies and promises of a better try next time later, Tenpou and Kenren had left, leaving Konzen with a still sniffling Goku. He grumbled slightly, but led his charge towards the bathroom and proceeded to clean the blood from his face and hands.

He worked in silence, the brunet boy chewing on his bottom lip, Konzen's give-a-way that the child had something on his mind, but was reluctant to talk about. As he moved to Goku's hands, he heard a slight intake of breath and readied himself for something stupid to pour out.

"Hey, Konzen?"

"Hm."

"Would you…would you teach me how to play baseball?"

The deity froze in his actions, the simple question having been the absolute last possibility for things that could pop out of his charge's mouth. Looking up, he could see the innocent determination lying behind the boy's golden eyes.

"You still want to learn?"

Goku nodded.

"Even after all this?"

He nodded again.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Konzen thought on this for a moment then shook his head. "You'll probably get hurt more."

"I know."

"You're willing to risk the pain?"

Goku smiled slightly. "Well, I'll never learn without it, will I?"

Konzen smiled softly in response as he finished cleaning the blood from the child's hands.

_(500 years later, after a random encounter with Homura)_

"Ow!"

"Well hold still! Idiotic monkey…"

Goku pouted slightly, but kept his arm still, watching as Sanzo's continued to stitch the flesh together again. From the corner of his eye he could see Hakkai tending to himself and Gojyo and prided that besides Sanzo, he was the least injured of the four.

"When do you think he'll show up next, Sanzo?"

The monk grunted slightly. "Idiot. One would think you wouldn't be so willing to see him again so soon."

The brunet drew his brows together and frowned. "Then one would be wrong."

Sanzo paused in his work, looking up to see the blind determination in the teen's eyes.

"He'll just keep kicking your ass you know."

"I know."

They fell quiet as the monk finished up and began cleaning and dressing Goku's arm.

"You that eager to take a beating?"

Goku smiled slightly, watching as Sanzo taped off the bandage and stood up to look down at him. Standing up as well, he picked up the monk'sfan from the floor and handed it to the blond with a smirk on his face.

"Is there another way to learn?"

Sanzo watched as the teen made his way out the door, no doubt to try and beg some food from the inn's staff. Stuffing the fan into the folds of his robes, he fought back the smile that tried to work its way onto his lips.

'No.' he thought to himself wryly. 'It's not the only way to learn. Just the most effective.'

Business as usual.

Making mistakes-whether they be painful or extremely embarrassing, are the most difficult part of life. Yet those grand mistakes are the ones that are oft times the least repeated.

If only the world could learn in unison, so many things would be different.

Until then-learn from your own and laugh at them. They also make the best stories later in life.

(-end chapter-)

A/N: Yes, the nose-bleed thing works. I've personally tested this out. Though I woke up with my nose bleed, which was an oddity in itself...


	14. First Drabbles Part II

A/N: Just a quick update on something to let you all know that I AM still alive. My brain is a bit like scrambled eggs and life keeps slamming me to the pavement, so I keep forgetting to update anything. (kicks self) Geez. Um, quick answer to a question: "Get your freak on" umm..heh. Well, to put it really simply, basically Gojyo is talking about picking up some women. (laughs) It's an American expression, I'm sure. We're responsible for a lot of insanity. (cough) But if anyone wants to continue to know that I'm still alive, you can visit my livejournal anytime. My user name is sockio. Pretty well all my entries are public and I just ramble on about myself and things most of you probably wouldn't be interested in anyway. (chuckle) No luck on the writer's block and I've been, quite simply, too busy to remember to edit anything. I am sorry. Eventually things will slow down and I'll get on the ball again. Man this is long. Best cut it off. Read, review, enjoy:)

Chapter 17: First Drabbles Part II

**First Emergency**

BANG BANG BANG

Sanzo clutched his newspaper tightly, threatening to rip the thing in two.

"Come ON Sanzo! You've been in there forever and I really need to gooooo!"

A vein worked its way onto his forehead and Sanzo slowly counted to ten before loosening the grip on his paper. Giving the document a shake, he turned his attention back to the article he was reading.

"Forget it, monkey. Go pee outside."

On the other side of the door, Goku crossed his legs and moaned in frustration. Damn it, if he didn't go soon his bladder was going to explode! Trying his best to stuck it in, Goku slowly hobbled down the hallway, stopping every so often to cross his legs in an effort to keep from wetting himself. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, he made it downstairs.

"There you are, Goku!"

Lifting his head up, mindful of the little beads of sweat that were starting to roll into his eyes, Goku saw Hakkai walking towards him with a large pitcher.

"This inn has the best lemonade I've ever tasted." Hakkai said, holding the picture of lemonade right under Goku's nose. "You simply have to try it!"

Looking at the pitcher of bright yellow liquid, Goku felt his bladder starting to give.

"MaybelaterHakkaiIreallyneedtogorightnow!" he said, racing past the healer and practically ripping the front door open.

Hakkai blinked as he started at the small puff of dust where Goku once stood.

"How odd."

Outside, Goku desperately looked from left to right before taking off to the nearest store he saw. Running inside, he made his way to the counter where a fat, balding man sat looking through the newspaper.

"Excuse me, sir! Can I use your bathroom!"

The man didn't even look up. "Bathroom's for paying customers only."

The brunet dug through his pockets, becoming increasingly distressed at finding only pocket lint and air. Patting down his entire body, Goku let out a distressed wail.

"I don't HAVE any money!"

"Then no bathroom." The man replied in a bored voice. "Go somewhere else."

Mumbling several Gojyo-taught words under his breath, Goku turned and flew out of the store.

Still not looking up, the bald man turned the page. "Kids."

Stumbling out of the store, trying not to hold his crotch in public, Goku looked around for the next store.

"AAAHHH!"

Turning his head at the sound, he saw several little kids dousing each other with buckets of water, making large puddles of clear liquid around them. Goku felt his bladder given yet another twinge of protest and he nearly set a new land speed record in getting to the next shop.

"CanIuseyourbathroom?" he breathed out.

"No."

So, he raced to the next store.

"CanI**please**useyourbathroom."

"Forget it."

And the next.

"I really need to go to the bathroom!"

"It's out of order."

And the next.

"This is an emergency man I really need to pee!"

"Too bad."

And the next.

"Can I use your bathroom? PLEASE?"

"Don't have one."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Stumbling out of yet another store, Goku crossed his legs and bent over slightly, trying desperately to hold it in. No one is this entire damn town would let him use their toilet? He could die from holding it in; did these people not _care_? Glancing around, he realized he'd raced from one side of town to another. The forest was stretched out nearby and he finally remembered Sanzo's reply.

"_Go pee outside."_

The brunet blinked. What a novel idea! Tearing off, he blasted through the forest at top speed, getting a good distance from the town before screeching to a halt, pulling down his zipper and-

What the hell is that squirrel looking at?

Goku blinked.

The squirrel blinked.

He made a shooing motion with his hand.

The squirrel continued to stare at him.

What the hell? Calling out Nyoibo, Goku tried scaring the creature off by swinging at it.

The squirrel moved away, but continued to watch him.

Goku groaned. There was no way in hell he could do this with an audience. Zipping back up, he turned and tore through the forest again.

The squirrel waited until he was gone, then jumped down and began digging where Goku was standing until he uncovered a small storage of nuts. Dropping a new one inside, he covered the hole and took off again.

By the time Goku stopped again, he was standing near a lake. Beyond not caring anymore, the teen stripped down to nothing and jumped in, figuring nothing could watch him if nothing could SEE him. A few seconds later and look of pure relief crossed his face.

"Oh Kami-sama thank you…." He mumbled, closing his eyes.

"Goku? What in the HELL do you think you're doing?"

Opening his eyes, the teen was startled to find himself directly in between Gojyo and a rather scared looking woman.

Both naked.

The woman stared for a second. "Why'd the water get so warm all of a sudden?"

The two looked at each other, then looked at Goku who was now wearing a sheepish grin.

"I really had to go." He said.

"AHHHHH!"

The two scrambled out of the water, Gojyo cursing monkeys and the woman grabbing her clothes before stomping back towards town.

"Damn it, monkey! You do have any idea how long it took to get her to come out here!"

Having finally found relief, and with an air of nirvana surrounding him, Goku sighed and smiled.

"Don't care."

Gojyo narrowed his eyes and put his pants back on. Grabbing the rest of his stuff, he saw Goku's own clothes thrown around the lake's edge. With a sadistic grin, he picked them all up and trudged off with a satisfied smirk of vengeance etched on his face.

Many hours later, at supper:

"Have you seen Goku, Gojyo?"

"Nope." The redhead said, smiling around his sake glass.

"He better not be out causing trouble again." Sanzo huffed, turning the page on his newspaper.

Gojyo's grin spread as he leaned back in his chair. "Nyah. I really doubt that."

Deep in the forest surrounding the town, Goku stood in the lake, his arms crossed around his body and gave a pitiful wail.

"GOOOOJYYYOOOOOO! COME OOONNNN!"

Silence.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!"

Crickets started chirping.

"I'M REALLY FREAKIN' HUNGRY!"

More crickets. Goku huffed, stewing in silence for a few more minutes. Gojyo would pay for this.

The little squirrel from earlier hopped up on a rock and twitched its nose at the brunet.

"What are **you** staring at, damn it?" the teen snapped.

With a sniff and a shake of its tail, the squirrel took off, wondering how humans managed to get so far and still be so weird.

**First Shot AKA 'Goku's Revenge'**

It was a pretty normal day.

"Damn it, you perverted water sprite, give it back!"

Considering.

"Why don't you come over here and make me, monkey?"

But the vein on Sanzo's head was slowly getting larger.

"I'll give it to you, all right! Right up your perverted ass!"

Hakkai wondered if they should perhaps get back in the Jeep and leave now.

"Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you, you sick monkey bastard?"

After all, this pit stop was turning ugly.

"Not as much as you would, you nasty-minded prick!"

Hakkai couldn't see a wink of daylight between the two arguing idiots. He could see Sanzo reaching for his gun already. They'd shut up in a minute then.

"At least I haven't had practice with things going up my ass like you and the monk over there!"

Everyone froze.

Hakkai could see Sanzo was reaching a new level of pissed as the gun slowly came into view. But it was nothing compared to the expression on Goku's face just then.

CRUNCH!

Sanzo and Hakkai's eyes both widened as Goku's foot firmly implanted itself directly into Gojyo's crotch. The half-breed dropped to the ground a second later, his hands moving to cover himself as his eyes bulged. With an angry expression still on his face, Goku bent down and scooped up the meat bun dropped by Gojyo and sat down next to Hakkai. A few seconds and sporadic twitches by Gojyo later, the healer finally found his voice.

"Crotch shot."

Goku nodded as he bit into his bun.

"I don't think I've ever actually seen that done before."

"First time doing it." Goku replied, savoring the hard-earned bun. "I'll have to do it more often."

"Don't." Sanzo said, replacing his gun in his robes. "It's painful enough just to watch."

The three continued to eat in silence, ignoring the gasping breaths and little twitches of the redhead on the ground. Goku smiled around the last bite as he watched Gojyo holding his crotch in agony, remembering how the cockroach had left him out in the lake a few nights ago naked for hours on end.

A smirk of vengeance all his own slowly made its way onto his face.

'Paybacks are a bitch.'

(-end-)


	15. First InternetTalk

A/N: Well, since I knew I would lose a few readers when I decided to switch the Insomnia arc back to pairings, and this chapter was next in line, I thought it would be funny to go ahead and upload it tonight. (chuckle) Not all my stories have pairings in them, but my longest work, 'Of a Place Long Ago', is still missing chapters 12 and 17. Until I can edit the anime dialogue out and try to find or re-create those chapters, I'm afraid the non-yaoi people will have to avoid me. Sorry!

Chapter 15: Goku's First: Internet/Talk

**The Internet.**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sanzo's eyes snapped open, his body reacting automatically to the screaming voice of his charge, sending the chair he was sitting on backwards as he stood up. Grabbing his gun off the table in front of him, the monk dashed down the hallway and threw the teen's room open, his weapon cocked and ready for whatever horror had caused Goku to give out such a gut-wrenching scream.

Glancing around the room, Sanzo realized there was nothing there except for Goku and the new computer Hakkai had brought over and set-up for the teen during his last visit. A vein slowly began to form on his forehead as he slowly realized Goku was screaming because of something on the computer. Shoving his gun up his sleeve, Sanzo stormed over to the wide-eyed monkey and slammed his fan over the idiot's head.

"What the HELL are you screaming about idiot?"

"Ow! Damn it Sanzo that _hurt_!"

"Serves you right. Now what could possibly be so fucking scary on a computer to make you scream like that?"

Still rubbing his head, Goku turned the monitor around to show the irritable man the cause of his outburst.

There on the screen was a full-color 800x600 wallpaper drawing of Goku and Gojyo.

In a very 'friendly' position.

One that involved no shirts and un-zipped pants.

The vein on Sanzo's forehead continued to grow.

"What pre-pubescent hormonal fan brat drew that shit?" he fumed.

"I don't know. But why? WHY?"

He allowed Goku to rant on, screaming about the injustices of modern day fan-girlism and the predisposition of said girls to see non-existent hints of relationships between the characters until he couldn't take anymore.

Pulling out his gun again, Sanzo aimed it at the screen.

"No! Sanzo, don't shoot the computer!"

"Why not?" he fumed. "If all you're going to do is look us up and scream over the things these little creatures do to us, then why shouldn't I put us both out of our misery?"

Goku wrapped his body around the monitor and pouted. "But I wanna keep it!"

"Then shut the fuck up!"

"Fine. Crappy monk."

Sanzo glared at the teen for a minute then slowly returned his gun to its proper place. He considered leaving until an idea hit him.

"Move over monkey."

Goku narrowed his eyes and gave the monk and suspicious look. "Why?"

"Move."

Given the 'do it or die' tone, Goku quickly scooted over and watched as Sanzo sat down in front of the computer. The monk wasn't well versed in the machine, but Hakkai had shown him enough to get by. After a few minutes of silent watching, Goku finally had to ask.

"What 'cha doing?"

"Fixing a problem."

"What problem?" Goku asked.

"You'll see."

The teen pouted and sat back. The computer was brand new; there wasn't a problem with it! So what the hell could Sanzo be doing? After several more minutes the monk stood up, lit a cigarette and walked out of room telling Goku to 'enjoy'. The brunet watched him leave then turned to see what changes had been made.

'Doesn't seem to be anything different.' He mused.

Shrugging, Goku brought up a search engine and typed 'Saiyuki 39 58', chuckling as he hit the submit button. Finding slash pictures of himself and Gojyo had been an accident; a very scary accident. Now he was content to push the god-awful picture from his mind and continue his real search.

The page loaded and the words 'please enter your password' flashed across in a little box.

"What the hell? SANZOOOOO!"

A few minutes later the monk walked in, looking slightly amused. "What monkey?"

"What the hell is this?" he asked, pointing at the screen.

Sanzo shrugged. "I fixed it."

"Fixed it? It won't load my search results!"

"What were you searching for?"

An embarrassed flush crossed the teen's face and he turned away. Like hell he'd tell Sanzo _that_.

The monk smirked in victory. "Thought so. Now shut up and enjoy the parental lock controls."

"What level did you set it on?"

Sanzo's smirk grew. "No sex. No nudity. No violence. And Inoffensive slang."

Goku blinked. "That's like, nine tenths of the internet."

"Everything but canon My Little Ponies and Teletubbies. Have fun."

The monk left the room and shut the door behind, leaning against the wall and waiting.

3…

2…

1…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Grinning in victory, Sanzo walked off and back towards his room. He gave Goku a few hours of trying to break the password before the computer would be shoved out in the hallway in disgust. There was, after all, no way the teen would ever guess the password he'd thought up.

_393forever_ just wasn't that common.

Sanzo grinned as he shut the door to his room. Nope, it wasn't that common at all.

Yet.

"**The Talk"**

He knew something was up the second all three of them walked into the room together. For one, both Gojyo and Sanzo were smoking and Hakkai looked like he wanted to join them. Also, no one was saying anything. All three men looked like someone had just died.

Goku had a bad feeling about this.

Each man took a seat nearby and Goku sat up on the inn's bed and crossed his legs beneath him. They each looked at one another before Hakkai finally cleared his throat and began.

"Goku. We need to talk to you about something rather…important."

Shit. He didn't think the innkeeper would miss two lousy sausage rolls; there were dozens of them! He'd have to think quick to get out of this one…

"Well we couldn't help but notice how much you've grow during the journey and thought that maybe you show be informed about…ahh..the working of the world, so to speak."

Goku blinked. So it wasn't about sausage rolls?

"Yeah." Gojyo piped up. "Man's gotta know how to handle his meat and-"

Sanzo's fan brought the rest of the redhead's sentence to an abrupt halt. Goku tried to keep the confusion from showing. So it _was_ about sausage rolls.

"Ah ha ha. Shut up, Gojyo. Despite your expertise in this area I think we'd all be happier if you didn't interject too much of your own personal experiences into this conversation."

Goku had no idea what Hakkai had just said. Maybe it wasn't about sausage rolls after all.

"Hey! The monkey could do well with a teacher like me guiding him!"

Sanzo snorted. "Oh yes. Then you teach him just how well known your 'meat' is. Fat lotta good that'll do him."

So it WAS about sausage rolls! He knew it!

Wait…Gojyo had a sausage roll? That stingy bastard! He must have been hiding it. Maybe he knew how to make them. That would be…damn that would be great! Then he could have sausage whenever he wanted! Goku grinned.

"I have to agree with Sanzo on this Gojyo. Goku needs to learn the consequences of his actions. Unlike you, if he's not careful there could be by-products of using his 'meat', as you seemed to have nick named it, in the wrong way and without protection."

What the hell? By-products? He thought sausage was pork. What the hell did they put in it besides that?

"How's it made?" Goku asked suddenly.

Hakkai paled slightly. He'd meant to talk to Goku about the ins and outs of sexual relations and the consequences thereof. He didn't think they'd have to do the 'birds and bees' talk too.

"Ahh…well. It all starts with a man and woman, of course."

Goku nodded. So it took too people to make a sausage roll. That must be why Gojyo flirts with all those women all the time; he needs help making them.

"The woman has what's called a-"

"Flower." Gojyo interrupted.

Hakkai gave him a questioning look.

"Keep it simple." The redhead said.

Goku nodded again. Women just carried bags of flour around with them? Did that many people like sausage? Wow. He couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable they all seemed to get at this point. Maybe this was some kind of trade secret or something.

"And the man has his…well…"

"Just stick with meat Hakkai. It's already been used. No use confusing him now."

The healer nodded and sighed. There really wasn't a point in getting too technical after all.

"Okay. So the man puts his 'meat' into the woman's 'flower' and..."

Sanzo stood up abruptly, grabbed his cigarettes and walked out of the room with out another word. Gojyo watched in a mixture of amusement and envy. Sitting close to Hakkai, he doubted he'd be able to pull off getting out of this one.

Goku watched his guardian leave. Sanzo hadn't looked too happy about any of this conversation. Maybe he didn't want to give out trade secrets like this. He wondered why all men carried meat around with them anyway. Just to make sausage? Seemed kind of obsessive really.

"So that's it? He just puts the meat in and it's done?" Goku asked.

Hakkai scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "Er, not quite. It takes months and months for nature to run its course."

"Months?"

Damn. No wonder Gojyo was always looking for women. He wouldn't be able to pick up his sausage until after they returned from India. Goku smiled. Then it'd be hog heaven! They could pick up a new roll in every town just about!

"I don't think this is going very well, Hakkai."

The healer sighed. "Neither do I. Shall we start over?"

"No." Goku said. "I think I get it."

Both men stared. "You do?"

"Yep. But I have a question."

Hakkai smiled. "What's that Goku?"

"Do you really like sausage rolls that much?"

Both men's faces hit the floor.

Face meet floor.

Floor meet face.

Well met!

"You thought this was about sausage rolls!" Gojyo screamed as he picked himself up.

Goku blinked. "It wasn't?"

Hakkai sighed. "Gojyo. Leave. It's time to get serious."

The redhead didn't complain, he simply walked out and left a rather determined looking Hakkai to his work.

Downstairs, he met Sanzo at the bar and sat down next to him.

"How'd it go?" the blonde asked.

Gojyo laughed. "He thought we were talking about sausage rolls."

Sanzo pinched the bridge of his nose. "Figures. So where's Hakkai?"

"Telling him the truth I guess."

About an hour and half later, Goku came down the stairs and joined them at the bar. Sitting down beside Sanzo, he ordered a glass of water. The two men stared at him for a minute before Gojyo broke the silence.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"You don't look like you just had a long talk about sex. What happened?"

"I've never been very good at learning by being told." Goku said then downed the glass placed before him.

"What is that suppose to mean?" Sanzo asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hakkai stumbled downstairs just then, looking like he'd just come from a long battle. Straightening his shirt and running a hand through his hair, he sat down beside Goku and ordered sake. He told the bartender to keep it coming.

Goku grinned as he set his glass back down. "I'm more of a 'hands on' learner." He said before hopping off the stool and walking back upstairs whistling.

Sanzo and Gojyo turned disbelieving eyes to Hakkai, who was giving his cup of sake a very appreciative look.

"Don't tell me you and monkey…"

"There are some things that are simply better left un-said Gojyo. This is one of them."

The two men nodded and returned to their own drinks. Hakkai sighed.

It had taken six times of 'hand puppet theater' before Goku finally broke down laughing and told him he already knew about sex. Hakkai had been, understandably pissed about it. It was lucky Goku was fast otherwise that chi blast wouldn't have broken the window, but his head instead. After he'd calm down again, Goku had suggested a way to salvage the evening and pay Gojyo back for being an ass and Sanzo for leaving in the middle of their 'talk' the first time.

Hakkai smiled as he glanced over and saw the thoughtful and disbelieving expressions on his two companion's faces.

"Hey, Hakkai?"

All three men turned to the stairs where Goku stood with his nightshirt on, half un-buttoned.

"I'm still a little confused, can we try again?"

Keeping a straight face, Hakkai downed his cup and stood up. "Sure thing."

He could practically hear Gojyo and Sanzo's jaws hitting the floor. Turning around and giving them a tired grin, Hakkai suppressed the urge to laugh.

"Youth. So energetic and eager to learn."

He walked back upstairs, pulling a deck of cards from his pocket once he was out of sight of the bar. They figured that by the time Sanzo and Gojyo figured out the joke, Goku would a poker-playing master.

Might as well learn something before they were killed.


	16. First Cold Earth

A/N: I think there might have been a misunderstanding. I'm not putting pairings into this series of fics - I reinstated the pairings in ANOTHER fic - whooooole different story. I've never had the intent of putting any yaoi or anything of the sort into these one-shots and I never will. I'm working on possibly getting 'Of a Place Long Ago' back up, but I'm working around two missing chapters (12 & 17 if anyone happened to save them) and some heavy editing. Perhaps I can rebuild the chapters a bit, but I can't remember exactly what was in them, so it shoud be entertaining. (chuckles) This "first" was incredibly silly and poorly done, but I'm attached to it for some odd reason, so here it goes. I'm working on creating a brand new "first", so be on the look out - I may post it pretty soon.

Chapter 16: First Cold (Earth)

The first morning, it was just a headache. Nothing big there, he'd had headaches before. Though usually they were called 'brain freezes' and Sanzo said they only occurred when he inhaled his ice cream like a drowning man takes in air. Then again, the only other headaches Goku could remember having come from Sanzo having smacked him upside the head with his fan too many times. He pondered this for a while. Then he asked Sanzo. The monk, apparently annoyed at not only having been disturbed during an unusual moment of tranquility (due to Goku's many hours of trying to figure out why he had a headache; something that was only making it worse, though he had yet to figure that out either….) And since a huge run-on sentence was just created, let's try this again. Sanzo, apparently annoyed at not only having been disturbed during an unusual moments of tranquility AND that the boy had just accused him of hitting him upside the head while he was sleeping, did the only thing he could think of; he smacked Goku upside the head a few times and kicked him out of the study.

He banished the ideas still swimming about his head (after a series of fan-whacking while a headache was already firming in place, everything seemed to be swimming…) and decided to go play. It took a few less hours than usual to wear himself out and by the end of the day the headache had only grown. Goku truly tried to ignore it, and for the most part succeeded. Although it took an awfully long time to fall asleep that night with the constant pounding of his heartbeat seeming to drum into his ears…

The second morning, the headache was still firmly in place. Though it had brought friends along as well: a stuffy nose and a thick layer of brain-coating fogginess. Sanzo continued to ignore him, apparently still pissed off about Goku's 'night whacking' comment, so the boy was left to fend for himself. A fact greatly grieved by the remainder of the monk population.

If they didn't like the new happy faces that was their problem…

His stuffy nose though, quickly disappeared and was soon replaced with its counterpart: the running nose. He was thankful for his long sleeves at that point. Running back and forth from outside to the temple to get tissue was a real pain. Though his shirt wasn't faring very well in the aftermath and he was constantly switching sleeves. Most twelve year old hardly register this as 'gross', though several monks did. But it wasn't in Goku to care for their opinion and since he had no intention of walking around with a box of tissue all day, opting instead to have both his hands free (its easier to climb that way, you know) so his sleeves were the only alternative.

By the third morning the headache and fogginess had reached epidemic proportions. So much so that even breathing (if he could do that anyway, apparently runny nose and stuffy nose had switched in the night) caused tendrils of pain to swoop through his body. It seemed a party had decided to start and headache and stuffy nose had invited several new friends over to celebrate. A very nice itchy throat and rather strange wheezing sound had taken root, along with a sensation of freezing that quickly caused the young child to pile somewhere in the vicinity (he didn't bother counting, all he wanted was warmth, and as the saying goes, the more the merrier right?) of about fifteen blankets or so to join a top his own.

Which is how Sanzo found him later that afternoon.

Truly a look of sheer panic had never crossed the monk's face before. Actually, nothing close to panic had ever been there before so he wasn't really sure if the look he must have been giving when he found Goku _was_ a look of panic.

Anyway…

Sanzo literally had to peel the blankets off the boy, who immediately began to shiver once the last of the cloths had been removed to expose his condition to the stoic monk. Sanzo, obviously realizing that the monkey is sick (and a pretty nasty shade of sick too…shade of sick…wonder if Crayola will ever come up with THAT crayon….)

I digress…Anyway…

Sanzo, not needing the death of a annoying, drooling monkey; and honestly not wanting to relieve his greatest stress ball (which is an oxymoron since Goku CAUSES most of his stress…) decided it best to send for a doctor. Most all doctors are quacks anyway…rich quacks…but quacks nonetheless…so it was no surprise when he was left with a short diagnosis (the flu), a handful of papers (instructions and prescriptions), and a bill (obviously a trumped-up one at that, seeing as monks don't have medical insurance and anyone without medical insurance must pay even more so for the privilege of being treated; which is ridiculous when you think about it since anyone with medical insurance obviously has a half-way decent paying job and would be the only ones capable of paying such high prices out of pocket anyway…)

I don't like doctors and insurance companies…can you tell?

But I digress again…no sleep will do that to you…(cough)

So, having filled the prescriptions…(which included some bubble-gum flavored cough syrup; which Sanzo wasn't sure he wanted to use…the artificial flavoring alone probably held more sugar than he allowed the boy to have on a normal day…)…and having hid the monstrous pile of blankets Goku was more than likely going to want back to cover the coldness of his fever-ridden body…AND having ordered a simple meal of broth to be brought to the boy's room…

Well Sanzo was tired.

Tired and pissed.

But then again, Sanzo's always pissed so that one doesn't really count.

Okay, so Sanzo was tired.

After receiving the broth…

Wait a minute…

After dealing with Goku all day, Sanzo's usually tired too.

Damn…that can't count either…

Okay okay okay…I think I've got this…

So Sanzo was MORE tired and pissed than usual…

There.

After receiving the broth from the kitchen and forcing Goku back into the world of the living and awake again (no easy task mind you. Imagine how you don't want to get up when you're sick then apply that to Goku-who needs atomic bombs for wake-up calls) Sanzo found himself reduced to having to spoon-feed the boy in order to get him to eat.

Okay now he's even more pissed.

Maybe he needs a good massage to calm him down, he's so tense.

Yeah, a nice relaxing and invigorating massage. Face down on a table with just a towel covering his rear end. All those smooth yet firm muscles dancing under that pale skin and…

Holy cow do I need sleep…..(shakes head)

Once the boy was fed, Sanzo found himself in the daunting task of forcing the newly purchased medications down his throat. The pills went quite easily; mostly due to the fact that you can't taste them unless you leave them in too long and they melt, then the melted bits get stuck around your gums and you end up spending several minutes working your tongue around trying in vain to dislodge them all until you finally remember that you have a glass of water and end up sloshing that around a couple of times until you finally work all the bits out…(gasp)

God, sleep sounds so good. I have the feeling I'm writing crap right now…but let's go on and see what else I can do…heheh

At any rate, the pills went down quite easily. It was the bubblegum cough syrup Sanzo had the most trouble with. By the time he'd finally gotten around to that, Goku was finally starting to resemble someone who was awake. Morse the pity, now he could see what was happening. Though he'd never been sick before, there was that one time when he'd told Sanzo he wasn't hungry. Sanzo, naturally, assumed the monkey was sick and ended up forcing a foul tasting liquid down his throat saying it was 'medicine'.

He never did tell Sanzo he wasn't hungry because he'd eaten half the peaches off the courtyard tree.

He didn't want to die after all.

So here was Goku, feeling like his very life was slowly being sucked out of him by an invisible vampire (though he couldn't recall exactly how he knew about vampires; perhaps from one of the perverse attempts of Sanzo's many reluctant 'bedtime stories') and here was Sanzo, holding a bottle that suspiciously resembled the foul tasting 'medicine' that he'd once had to endure to keep his head on his shoulders.

Naturally, though he was truly sick, there was NO WAY Goku was letting that nasty liquid anywhere near his mouth.

Not an easy task when your head feels like it's floating. (Though it wasn't, he'd checked. Several times.) Sanzo, not wanting to have to deal with an even SICKER monkey later, had no choice but to try to coax some of the syrup down the boy's throat.

He'd eventually had to resort to sitting on Goku with both the boy's hands squashed between his knees.

Getting his mouth open was a whole 'nother story though.

"Open up."

"…(shakes head)…."

"Open."

"…(shakes head)…"

"OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH!"

"…(shakes head)…."

"……"

"……"

"Would you like a meat bun?"

"Yeah! I (gulp)"

Sucker.

Thankfully the bubblegum flavoring overrode the true taste of the medicine and no such further 'incidents' had to be repeated.

It took days of this before the medicine started to kick in. Days of Sanzo feeding the boy, changing the cloth on his forehead, giving him his medicine…

Days of pure unadulterated hell.

In Sanzo's opinion.

Goku, however, was in heaven.

Not just any heaven either. Sanzo heaven.

The kind of heaven where your guardian, who is normally so stuffed up and mean towards you, treats you kindly and softly, helping you with every little thing you need in order to coax you back to health.

It was actually kind of easy to fake being sick a few extra days.

Although, when the bubblegum flavored cough syrup ran out and all Sanzo had left was the vile disgusting off-brand medicine Goku had taken before…

Well…then he made a complete and miraculous recovery.

Though the beating he'd received when Sanzo realized (to some extent, it was his own fault, he'd enjoyed babying the monkey…though he'd die before he ever admitted it)…when Sanzo realized he'd been faking it…Goku could have lived with out that.

But, so goes the world.

And this fic. Blah.

Time for sleep. (zzzzzzzz)


End file.
